03.31.02 - 9:17 am

james: whats the worse thing you can do to someone?

john: murder.

james: worse.

john: rape.

james: worse.

john: whats worse than rape?

james: betrayal.

a small vague redition of a segment in a movie called The Generals Daughter. the last word is not so much a word at the moment as much as it is a feeling. it alters my breathing. it changes my heart beat from a soft inaudible murmur to a pounding that trembles my entire chest. i feel myself narrowing my eyes, gritting my teeth to the point of cracking, im wishing houses would blow apart and trees uproot merely because im thinking it. its not anger i feel right now. its three words combined into one physical reaction inside my chest. loathing. rage. fury.

three other words also course through my head. jealousy. insecurity. selfishness. these three words burned several bridges several hours ago. and its so easy to excuse them with the synonym love. if there was love why would there be child like tantrums. if there was love why would there be naner naner naner like behavior. if there was love why would there be so much grief. writing out how you want others to think you feel is easier than actually writing out your true intentions for your actions. because eventually, if you read what youve wrote, perhaps, maybe that truely is why you did what you did. right?

people dont like to be told theyre wrong. they dont like to be blatantly talked down to and put in their place. makes them uncomfortable. makes them inferior once again. being inferior and invisible is a frustrating way to live. when a taste of acceptance and appreciation for company is taken away suddenly, regressing back to child like ways of getting attention is the most comfortable way of doing so.

no one ever gets what they want. at least not forever. hypocracy of those that think they are moral while those around them are not. righteousness donning a suit of lies is almost humorous. youre wrong. youre wrong. you are wrong. things never go the way you want them to, at least not forever. and somebody always wants what you have.

jealousy. selfishness. insecurity. and look what it got you. praise by parents.

i remember asking you, jokingly, quietly whispering in your ear in casual stride: "what does it feel like to not have a soul?" and i will repeat the question, but in all seriousness.

you got what you deserved, just like i got what you wanted me to deserve. and its quite satisfactory.

but just you wait.