04.10.02 - 11:08 pm

annoyance. uncomfort. disdain.

i just dont like who she is. i dont like who she is with. i dont like how she has changed. she is the opposite of who she was a year ago. i try to be polite. i smile. i make eye contact. i laugh. but i can only hold my false sincerity for so long. my smiles are always brief. my laugh is always followed by a cringe. i wasnt trying to be obvious. id rather just fade away than scream "i cant be anything but depressed around you." her boyfriend. corey. nice guy, i would get along with him if i wanted. and i do. but just not tonight. maybe not ever. i dont know. hes nothing like her. shes drinks. she smokes. she has sex. hypocritically i cant say anything against her. its just that i wanted her to be the girl i knew a few years ago. the christian girl who would never drink. never smoke. never have sex. its the fact that shes changed when i dont want her to that kills me.

i cant say anything to her. i have no right. shes happy. she knows more about me than i want her to. shes still connected somehow metaphysically to me. she knows my thoughts. she knows my emotional responses to things. she can anticipate how ill react. and im sure, somehow, she can see how artificial i feel around her.

i still love her. i still miss her. i just would like it to be more of her and i than her and all of her friends and all of corey and his parties and etc etc etc I WANT THE GIRL I FELL IN LOVE WITH BACK TO BEING.......something that i have no right to demand she be. this is growing up. friends change. friends move away. friends move away from you. willingly. friends make new friends. friends die. some willingly.

and im stuck watching. wondering why my changes feel so slow and eventual and not so sudden like it seems for everyone else. im wondering if my indifference is to blame. can i isolate myself and let everyone pass me by. have i done such?

what stops change and maturity.

lack of financial security and bad grades.