04.13.02 - 1:42 am

if i had the ability to change my body into a xenomorph at my very will, and back into my original form whenever i wanted, i would save the world, one historical event at a time.

kelly is upset. she thinks so much her body begins to ache. she needs someone to be there to sit with her in the dark and to talk for hours with and clear herself of the emotional burden she has saturating her conscience. it kills me. im part of her problem. im 1800 miles away. im too far away to be of any more good than a few hours talking through computers. its pathetic. its not nearly as tangible as she needs right now and not nearly as intimate as i need to be for her.

there was a time when i had nothing to explain. oh, this mess i have made. but then things got complicated, my innocence has all but faded. oh, this mess i have made. and i dont believe in god, so i cant be saved. all alone as ive learned to be, in this mess i have made. oh, the untested virtue of things i said id never do, least of all not to you. i know hes kind and true, i know that he is good to you, hell never care for you more than i do. but i dont believe in love, so i cant be tamed. all alone as ive learned to be, in this mess i have made. the same mistakes, over and over .....again. there are rooms in this house that i dont go in anymore, dusty books and pictures on the floor. but she will never see, shell never see that part of me. i wanna be for her what i could never be for you. and i dont believe in god, so i cant be saved. all alone as ive learned to be, in this mess.....i have made.

theres a girl named laura. when i see her she makes me smile. and i see her alot. but shes never alone. she walks in pairs.

tonight i touched a lot of people. i looked at a lot of people. and a lot of people forgot my name and what i looked like. and it doesnt bother me because i will see them again. we will touch hands. we will smile. and we will pretend like our meeting was the first in a series of meetings that we could title a friendship. but as much as it appears that way, we both know we are enemies at that first touch. we are competitors. we are looking for the same things. and the one with the most is the winner and that to be respected. this is the most pointless rant i could have ever fabricated.

the idea just popped in my head to save money, not for my fish tank or lighting for such, but for plane tickets to turquiose colored water. with white sandy beaches. where i wouldnt know where i would be sleeping that night. where hitchhiking or walking is how i would get around. making allies would be the only way to survive. and i would take someone who would be equally as interested in exploring more than bars and girls and swimming pools and tv channels. yes, its inspired by the movie the beach. yes im a poser. yes to anything else one would like to assume about me. the fact remains, life is a predator and i have to constantly fill my time with ways to outwit it.

rice cakes, while bland, tasteless and chock full of a hearty amount of absolutely no nutritional value, remind me just how wonderful life can be at 2:21 am, alone in your room, spouting off your thoughts to a combination of key strokes and a device that controls every aspect of human life. im using about as much of the internet as there is nutrition in this rice cake. in a sense, i am a rice cake. a rice cake of love.

smithers, make me hit you. now make me hit him. now make me hit me. now make me hit just you two. now all three.........excellent.