04.20.02 - 5:53 am

i drove home tonight under skies of purple. birds barked through my windows. there were gray clouds. blue so faded it was almost white behind them. and lots of purple. like a thin sheet of the color had been pulled between me, the clouds and the sky. it was almost cold. the air was silent and frozen in place. if you couldnt hear the birds that is. i turned down the dim sounds of the radio and drove in silence. the sound of my heart a constant, rapid tempo to my journey home.

legally, im not allowed to be driving for several more weeks. intentionally breaking the law, so that i could visually smother a girl. i left around 1030 pm. i returned at 553 am. around 7 hours locked in her bed room. i didnt get caught. if i drive again, i fear i will. and the punishment for said crime....is almost annoyingly uncomfortable.

a few days ago i was trying to think up an event where i could get a blitzkrieg of emotion. a full on coastal assault on my senses and feelings, relentlessly saturating them with so many different directions at once that i would be forced to sit in complacency and let whatever unfold before me. i couldnt think of anything. until tonight.

requiem for a dream.

the movie ended. i buried my head under hers, wrapped my arms around her and laughed. but in all actuality, i was crying without the tears. i could only sit and laugh. the movie was depressing. but so much else filled me that i couldnt be sad. i was furious i had allowed myself to watch. i was crushed by the fate of the characters. i pitied them more than ive ever sorrowed for anything. i was estatic the movie was over. i was craving more. i had a head ache. there was tingling of immense pleasure of the company i was in to the point of unbridaled joy. i was terrified of the effects and affects of narcotics. i was shaking. the psychological caused the physical. i was feeling wave after wave of confusion. glimpses of scenes. the emotions they stirred.

and i will never see this movie ever again.