05.25.02 - 1:00 pm

i feel silly. ridiculous. theres that moment when it suddenly hits you that youve acted like a fool and you you dont understand why you didnt feel this way earlier. rejection and insecurities dont help this feeling of weakness. its a definete blow to an already vulnerable self esteem when the woman you admire choses to spend her time with someone else instead of your exclusive company. apparently i lack something that she found in someone else. it bothers me. i dont feel like calling her today. or talking to her ever again. but i know i will next time i see her sign on. im a sucker.

for some reason the trivial trials of a woman overshadow the sinking feeling of a suicide. this apathy toward the not yet tangible but clearly evident is also annoying. it would be nice to have a soul again.