09.22.02 - 12:30 am

sarah is here. i used to feel like drinking. i was happy. i felt good. i felt this is where i wanted to be. but, then all of a sudden, i decided, i want to be alone. i dont want sarah. sarah doesnt want me.

"where would you most want to be?" john.

"here" me.

"hell no" her.

i just dont feel the genuinity anymore. i dont feel....i dont really feel sure. i feel shorted. i feel superficial. and right now i wish she wasnt here. this is the first time ive felt like this and it bothers me. its probably a good indicator of whats to come. no one cares that i havent been sitting on the couch with them for the past 10 minutes. i could sneak out my back door, and walk for blocks, and that would feel good. but instead ill go back, sit on the couch, smile, and pretend to be entertained. maybe ill even pretend to be in love. either way i cant wait to be asleep.