12.03.02 - 3:33 am

"...not everything is gonna be the way

You think it ought to be

It seems like every time I try to make it right

It all comes down on me"

i read the lyrics while i listened to this song, and even though at the time i wasnt sad, i suddenly felt like crying. i just realized how completely hopeless and complicated my life has become now, and how alone i feel in it.

this is the first time ive had an issue that i havent been able to talk about. and so in being silent ive sacrificed ease and maybe even indifferance. i actually feel concern instead of an easy going, carefree patience to the things to come. this fear and sadness is drawn from the fact that.....no one knows. i want so much to just empty myself of all the confusion and terror i have paralyzing me every day, and how the person i most want to be here with me and help me through this is not only far away, but completely oblivious to how scared i really am. she doesnt seem to understand anyways, at least not in a way either i need her to, or that shes supposed to understand.

i tried so hard to make things right and for things to work. i guess this is the way theyre supposed to work, and not through the means i was exausting myself with.