01.17.03 - 1:09 am

she doesnt take me seriously. she doesnt listen. she hears, she mocks, she rolls her eyes....but she doesnt listen. shes right. she knows everything. im naive. im stupid. i exaggerate.

she says that the placenta keeps the baby safe. that nothing can hurt it.

i say that marijuana, nicotine and methamphetamines absorb into your tissues, and the placenta is drawn from those very same tissues.

she rolls her eyes.

i remind her that her doctor told her she now bears brain damage due to her drug use. and how an unborn child would be like a sponge and not have the resiliance a 18 year old would have to narcotics. she scoffs again and says that im being worrying too much, and that im exaggerating.

maybe im not worrying too much, maybe shes just too casual about this. maybe shes just shrugging this issue off.

im hoping her midwife can answer my questions and counsel me better than sarah can. sarah berrates me. this makes trying to understand whats going on exceptionally difficult. feeling insufficient and the only one with serious concerns about the next few weeks, months and years is like sanding my fingertips down to the bone trying to get through a brick wall. she wont listen. shell hear me, but she wont listen. everything is her way. she reads her midwife propaganda, she believes every word that her mother says. and ill fully admit i know very little about childbirth and the hows and whys of which is better and what is not, but i want to feel like i have a say, an opinion that matters, i wish what i felt mattered to her. talking to her trying to understand causes her to clench her fists tightly on the arm rests of my desk chair, and when i ask her why shes doing that and then why is she so frustrated with me, she retorts with facial expressions that tell me just how worthless i really am when it comes to having anything valid or intelligent to say.

while this may not be the massive ups and downs of the previous part of our relationship these small, rapid influxes of anger frustration and then intense periods of need from her are almost worse. she doesnt look at me when shes annoyed at me for things i consider silly and trite. she laughs instead of apologizes.

this makes me wonder if im pretending to love her out of obligation, concern or pity, or if im genuinely in love with her, and willing to make this work at the sacrifice of being happy and my wellbeing.

granted, during this whole thing shes important, the baby is important, everything surrounding her health and the process of this is important....but im thinking, shouldnt i feel important too? shouldnt i feel welcomed, loved and needed to make this work? she wants her hugs, and someone to fall asleep next to, but shouldnt she call me in the middle of the night to ask what i think about what she/we/us should do next? shouldnt she say things like: "i want to wait to see what jordan thinks."?

this afternoon i heard the heart beat of my child.