02.04.03 - 12:41 am

so he likes this girl. alot. but she causes two problems for him. the main problem hes concerned about is her pregnancy. the second more immediate problem is that she distracts him so persuasively.

shes pregnant. hes having a child. theyre having a child that he made inside her.

"i have an appointment to get on the pill this afternoon."

that afternoon came and went over 4 months ago. seventeen weeks ago. seventeen weeks without a period. seventeen weeks of a problem that still has no conclusions.

hes a little nervous. he has his apprehensions, and he should too. but he feels stuck. hes now trapped in a scenario he never wanted until he was ready, hes embarrassed about telling friends, his grandparents, even his own father doesnt know yet because of this uncomfortableness that stops his breath from uttering the words,

"im having a child."

he wanted an abortion. he thought it would have been the right choice. and it would have. but she is not like him in those thoughts. either is her mother. to her mother, the morning after pill is still a form of abortion, and therefore horrendously inhumane. this didnt need to happen. this wasnt supposed to happen. but it did and it wouldnt have been such a problem if things had just gone the way he thought they should.

the abortion didnt happen. this was the start of his lack of control. his life now wasnt in his hands and this severely bothered him. the options were so clear and concise and exactly what should happen. not just for him. he wasnt thinking of just his life and how hed be better off without a child. he was thinking of her. especially of her. she has problems. the only reason she was able to stop doing drugs was because of this child. he couldnt bring her to stop. she didnt want to stop. the only reason she and him are happy now is because she has a small person tumbling inside her abdomen. if not for this, she would have slept with any number of anonymous people. she would continue to smoke methamphetamines. snort cocaine. smoke weed and cigarrettes. drink alcohol. laugh and giggle. pick at her face. stay up late. ignore her family. become isolated, angry, indifferent, apathetic, and it would never stop.

he would be single. in pain thinking about her and who she was with and what she was doing. he would listen to sad sappy songs by guster, johnny cash and enya. hed find someone else to pacify the emotions he had for her.

but he wouldnt be here. like this.

the decision now rests on her. again. to keep or give away. how easily she puts it from his mind she does. they fall asleep touching, they wake up touching. he says he loves her. she says she loves him. they talk about things that make them laugh. they sit and do nothing, but enjoy it all the same. he cooks for her, they eat, they watch movies, they kiss. they have sex. they concern their thoughts with making the other happy. but shes got a goddamn child inside her. and he doesnt forget. he doesnt pretend its not there. but it doesnt get handled. its not dealt with. he wants the answers. he wants everything figured out, labled, marked on a calender; a spread sheet and power point presentation on what is going to happen and how its going to be acheived.

its not important enough to her to do that for him. and hes terrified. he doesnt know what to do. he doesnt know how to do what he thinks he does know what to do.

is he afraid of change? changing himself? his spending habits? his work habits? his school habits? is he concerned with the things that will happen to him or is he concerned with the how people will perceive him, how is friends will slowly fade away or how she feels? does he worry about her leaving him? does he want to leave her but feel obligated to stay? does he feel like an asshole when he should know hes done the best he could? what could he do more of? when will this go away? is it really even happening or is it just something that just keeps popping up because hes focused on it? he knows he heard a heart beat, and thus it is happening. he is here. hes the one that did it.

but is he? why cant i find out now if im really the father? he knows its him, but what if its someone else? would he stay?

would he stay because he loved her? or would he leave because he doesnt?

in july he will be having a child. he wants desperately to know if she will listen to reason and give the child away to someone who can genuinely take care of the child. feed the child. clothe the child. love the child wholeheartedly, and not just as an object that brought a temporary ceasefire to habitual drug use.

this doesnt make sense, but either does whats happening. what he does know, for certain, is that this isnt going to turn out how he would ever want it to. and his life has already been marked for a challenge he doesnt really care to take on. yet.

its always like that though, isnt it?

some might say hes just......typical.