02.05.03 - 7:22 pm

i asked her to leave my room.

and she said no.

this is the hard part. this is where i become something to resent. she told me she wouldnt. but ive become that which she will grow to loathe even more. and i think inside my head and my chest a burning will surface every time i see her, or hear her name, or think of her. a burning that will perpetuate a disdain and regret for the choices that i have made, and she has made.

ultimately it was my choice.

eventually it will be hers. and as of right now she has chosen.

im frustrated that my life has now been carved deep into stone, a story unfolded before me, and before i even have a chance to experience it. this is what will burn within my chest. this feeling of helplessness, a feeling lacking control.

she says shes sorry.

and im sorry too. im sorry that because of how i feel her feelings toward me will be scarred. i want to steal her child away. i want her to birth a child she has grown to love so dearly, and then hand it off like its some excessive part of her body she doesnt need anymore. ive become something to loathe when i tell her i want her to adopt.

she slammed my door, shouting that she hates it that i write when im mad. that i write down stupid shit that i wont feel when im less angry. shes right.

to an extent.

if i dont write down these thoughts, if i dont have this to vomit into, then ill only resent her more for stealing my life, and holding my thoughts captive to apathy.

telling her how i feel in regards to her adopting is returned with the same insolence as when she tells me why shes decided to keep the child.

there is no compromise on something of this nature. there is no in between. black and white. keep or adoption. stay or leave. money or life.

im really scared. im terrified at the thought of whats to come. my parents wont be pleased. sarah and i will fight. we wont stay together. and my duty as a father will be a steady paycheck of 300 to 400 a month donated to her and my child. thats not what i want. thats not what anybody wants. its what i would had hoped to prevent. not because i want to keep the money, but because, i dont want to be like my father. i dont want to be called a sperm donor. i dont want to be just a source of income. and i dont want sarah having any contact with a child that is rightfully mine.

im not angry at her.

just at what i have left for me.