02.20.03 - 12:29 pm

so im hungry. and im thinking how wonderful it would be to cook up my steak i bought a few days ago, and some pasta, drink some water and sit down to a steaming meal of deliciousness. but i told tony i got out of class at 12 and that i would meet him for lunch. so i have to do that. but then i can go somewhere and eat food thats already cooked, and ready to eat....and, in a way, free. sort of. and i need to eat a lot because i have to work at 6. a 6 to 9 shift. do you know what they do to people who work a 3 hour shift? put them on the register. that means i have to count my drawer, stand in one place for three hours, help a bunch of impatient people, count out my drawer again, and then go home....and study. im not studying enough. i should be studying right now. i should be memorizing chapters. i have two midterms coming up. one on wednesday and then again on thursday. and not just any midterms, hard ones. ones i need to get a b or better on in order to do well on and please me, �but more importantly, my parents. theyre in this for the more long term future goodness of my grades. im more focused on the now. what i want now. getting what i want now. getting things taken care of now. bills. bills. bills. this is what i owe: $67.63 for two months electricity. $33.32 for two months internet. $40 dollars i borrowed from bryan. and then after all thats over, i have $340 worth of rent to pay by march 1st. is it possible? am i going to make that much money? my entire pay check this friday will just go to bills. then ill have just a week to make 340 dollars. not going to happen. rent will be late. my fault. fuck. i cant ask my parents for more money. they roll their eyes, they make me feel, i dont know how they make me feel about that. just uncomfortable in regards to money. i dont even ask them for money. food tastes better than going to class. or so im trying to tell russell. i have stuff to read, but yet, im almost guarenteeing ill find something more entertaining to do. but i cant. ill read. read. read. read. get that fucking word out of my head. i run out of time. i run out of money. i feel like im constantly trying to catch up. but the only reason im constantly catching up is because im constantly falling behind....on purpose. i want guster tickets. i want gas money. i want clothes. i want groceries. i want a calcium reactor. i want a fish. i want many fish. i want to go to movies. go out to dinner. buy things for sarah. set up a savings account. not worry about money. not worry about grades. not worry about eating. sit and relax. i want to work all the time. i want more hours. i want a career. im tired of jobs and this. i want my life to hurry up and get started. i want weekends off. i want 9 to 5s. i want my child to be there when i get home. i want to tell him things while i tuck him or her into bed. i want to be a father. i dont want things to buy for me. i want to buy things for her and my child. im supposed to be able to. but ive skipped 10 years of my life. unintentionally. i want to feel older. more responsible. i dont want to be hungry. i want i want i want i want i want. me me me me me. i dont think like that all the time. i dont. would i know it even if i did? am i an asshole? do i treat her right? do people know things about me that i would like to know? do people think of me positively? do i make people happy? content? will she stay? am i enough? �rambles. jumbles. lyrics of thought. trains. johnny cash. sitting alone and playing a guitar. playing his emo. he was dashboard confessional before they even had parents. simple discourse. talent. talent gets noticed. gets money. gets things you never even knew you wanted or needed. again. numbers. summer time. arizona. windows down. driving with music loud. friends. secure. fun. lots of fun. only fun. lonely depression but fun. give me your thought process? my mom always says what is your brain wave pattern. like that would be something i could go print off real quick hand to her, and she could look at and give me a good indication at why i think the way i do at the moment she asked me. �jimmy eat world. theyre not scared. theyre not pregnant. either am i, but i am. i should write it on the side of my car. i think i want everyone to know now. t shirts. commercials. tv spots. those airplanes with the message trailing behind. andi asked me if we were getting married. she asked what ive been asked every time someone finds out. why is it an automatic assumption? will we wont we. i want to. i dont think it would work. and i think she knows that. she thinks things and doesnt tell me. she thinks about him more than i think about her. but she highlights her constantly. puts her name in neon letters above my head as if to signify that i think about that name. i dont. i think about sarah. i think about sarah and those of the opposite sex whom shes attracted to. sdfjklhsdajkfhsdkfh. its uncomfortable. trust. i say it. i feel it. but when im alone, its easy to say i dont. its easy to wonder. its easy to imagine a life she leads when shes away, and how easily it would be to cover up. how easily it was covered up. rants. complaining. whining. russell doesnt even have a girlfriend. im thankful that i do. and that its the sarah she is now. then she was adequet. now she is wonderful. flawlessly delicious and underappreciated by me. phone rings. its going to be tony. its always tony. actually its you. you and a road. did he just say pink cow? you have to go. i have to go. im cutting out. i love you. i love you too. im tired of writing this. and youre tired of reading it. jdfasdjgsadfgs.