04.25.03 - 12:56 pm

her hair blows softly behind her. her eyes are directed away from me. she casually sits, unconcerned with my face as it screams inches from hers. im shouting at her, screaming so loud my breath pushes her hair away from her. its not that she cant hear me.

its that she wont.

you put me in this place. you put me here. youve made all the decisions. all the days you could have gone to your birth control appointments you were high. i could have used condoms more. but since then you have decided to keep the child. no abortion. no adoption.

then it was no amniocentesis. no ultrasound. no doctors. you are pregnant today because you chose this. and now you blame me. you blame me for your pregnancy. you blame me for your unhappiness. you blame me for your consistent use of poisons. you blame me for your jealousy. you blame me for your posessiveness. im why you hurt so much. im why you dont enjoy your relationship with me.

you say having the child inside of you, depending on you, developing from you is something ill never understand. you say you know what the baby wants. you know how to be a mother and the decisions you make are what you know undeniably are right.

i want a woman, a mother of my child, who would hold her breath when shes near exaust from a truck. a woman whos so overly healthy and protective of her unborn child, that the only thing of importance to her is the precious life she has inside her. that is a woman who truely loves their child.

i want my child to know every day how you poisoned him with your own problems. the methamphetamines. the marijuana. the nicotine. everything else i dont know about. your self inflicted illness. the disease that runs through you will not run through my child. i want everyone to know how careless and selfish and reckless youve been with your life. and the life of the child that i cant protect from you. i told you i hated you. i hate what you do to yourself and how you excuse it as a disease. how you justify it by saying youre powerless. how you justify smoking by blaming me. you are powerless because you believe you are powerless. i want to induce your labor, and take my chid away from you so you cant harm him with your lack of responsibility. take my child from you and leave you to your drugs and that life of emptiness that you miss and enjoyed.

i wish my mom would be supportive and helpful and loving and caring through all of this. i wish my mother wouldnt tell me how horrible this is going to turn out for me.

and i wish i wouldnt believe it.

because it makes it twice as hard to have a mother who isnt supportive and has only negative things to say about having a baby at this age and point in my life with.....sarah. sarah makes it even harder to contradict my moms guidance. sarah is an addict. a liar. selfish. combine my moms apprehensions, sarahs lack of responsibility and im left feeling......terrified.

how can everything be justified by you?