05.21.03 - 11:41 pm

last night a lizard forced blood out of its eyes in an attempt to keep me from grabbing it.

i woke up at 4 am this morning. crossed some states until 10:30. drove to corvallis and arrived at 1 pm. took a midterm exam at 2. went to work at 5. its 11:41 and im still awake.

but i had the greatest dinner of all time.

i was gone for almost five days, and yet i returned to feel like i never left. everything seems to just pick right where i left off. like corvallis has a pause button for while im away.

brain shaved the beard. justin shaved his head. ed gave me rocks. john eats llamaburgers. chads always busy. ellie took her time in responding to our inquiries to her boyfriends penis size.

sarah and i laughed. and held each other. and kissed. and laughed. she feels good. she makes me feel good. we slept in seperate beds. she got mad at me for 45 minutes one morning because, as i was going through my backpack, i told her the thing i hid from her was none of her goddamn business. of course i didnt find this out as the reason she was so upset until after she slammed a door on my head, and treated me like i was a complete asshole. she kissed me and i couldnt remember.

its not that i find her unattractive because shes pregnant. its that i find despair in me. i feel more and more sad. more and more.....trapped. restrained. confined. restricted to a life i dont want. im happy. im sad.

its all so nice. and its also nice.