05.29.03 - 12:15 pm

im really angry at her. i blame her. i resent her. and i get reminded of this several times a day.

brianne: come finish this paper for me??

Ronn Popeil: negative adams

Ronn Popeil: i have lots of sitting around to do

brianne: fuck that. that is what you do all summer

brianne: ass

that makes it clear. that reminds me that from this summer on, i wont have any more summers. i wont be able to take several days off and go camping with my friends. i wont be able to just sit around and sleep all day. i wont be able to spend entire weekends just playing video games. buying things for me. traveling. going out. staying out.

instead ill be working all day full time. every day. and then coming home to my other full time occupation: fatherhood.

this is depressing. horrendously depressing. my life is being stolen away from me by her. and she doesnt care. right now, id chose her dying of her addiction with some other guy and me alone and heartbroken than this. the pain left in a girls wake fades. a child does not. all my friends are not with children. they get to play. do what they want. when they want. im the only one who has a sealed schedule of life changing events. this isnt going to be as wonderful as sarah is telling me. shes not giving up anything. her life is just beginning. mine is ending.

at this point, i resent her. not the child. but her. it was her decision to have the child. to keep it. to keep it alive and to keep it as hers.

how am i going to be able to enjoy raising a child with this much resentment burning beneath my every day candor?

shes hurt and angry that im not there every day. that im not more involved. that i dont act like im involved.

i regret sarah.

i could break up with her. pay child support and have my life back. be single. without child. without responsibility. i think about it almost every day. i think about whether im really with her because i want to be or because im supposed to. am i pretending? do i still have feelings for her? or is it just a hoax because....im stuck.

i prayed for a miscarriage. i pray that she will want to adopt. but she wont.

we will break up. eventually. i feel it. i think i even know it. or want it. which makes it worse.

we wont be together. the child will be traded between us like a prized baseball card. forever. for twenty years. she will raise the child in a way i wont agree with. and instill ideas that are completely ridiculous. she will feel the same about my child raising strategy. more conflict. favorites. posession. custody battles. money. pain. problems.

this is going to be one horrible experience.

if we were married. owned a house. had several hundred if not thousands of dollars saved in accounts and investors had two cars. two incomes. married for several years. happy. secure. ready. then this would be constantly wonderful and the best thing i could ever ask for.

but instead, its going to be consistently negative, with a light sprinkling of things to make it seem worth it.