07.14.03 - 6:24 pm

well. today. today is a day i had been waiting for since november 20th. and by waiting i mean dreading.

any minute now? sometime tonight? early tomorrow morning? next week? i dont know.

my child is coming soon. theres no stopping it now. like a stack of bricks soaked in burning kerosene and hornets, traveling 90 mph, my child will burst from my girlfriend with unprecedented precision.

no. nothing like that at all. what?!

so yeah, im having a child. a baby. a tiny infant who will be smaller than i can imagine. i cant even pretend to say i know what to expect or what will happen. sarah, naked, baby.....coming out of where? for the longest time sarah wouldnt even let me look down there. and now im supposed to watch a head and shoulders and arms and legs and blood and fluid and limbs come out of there? slowly? painfully?

out of my girlfriend?

im trying to visualize this scenario for the first time ever. and its going to be more disturbing than i expected. nine months of knowing exactly where a baby was exiting, and yet, never once really considering what its going to look like. its more enjoyable to imagine how it got in there.

the following is what i have to be afraid of:

not being able to keep her calm. im the coach. the guide. the one who keeps her going with stamina. im supposed to touch her. stroke her. massage her. keep her relaxed. dont let muscles get tense. talk to her. tell her things she wants to hear. tell her i love her. touch her. make this as easy as possible for her. what if im incapable. what if i dont know what to do. what if i dont pay close enough attention and dont see that shes got one finger bent and thus the whole pregnancy is being slowed because shes not entirely relaxed. what if i say stupid things that only make her upset. what if she gets upset with me. what if im not a good coach.

im going to be in a room with two midwives, a mom, sarahs friend, potentially a father. maybe others. sarah will be the center of attention, with a video camera on her at all times. and next to her always will be me. im going to feel extremely self conscious. uncomfortable. insufficient. scrutinized. oh so heavily scrutinized.

what if when the baby comes out....i dont get excited.

what if its a boy?

what if its a girl?

pick a goddamn name already.

today is the day. but it could happen next week. either way, the clock has run out of seconds. its time to start holding my breath. sleeping with my cell phone. and waiting. from today on.

this should be happening to someone else.

this should be happening in 10 years.

you sly dog you.