12.07.03 - 5:47 pm

im still here. im still saturated with melancholy and the feelings stirred with thoughts in solitude.

driving. cleaning. sitting. moments before i fall asleep. music. dark bands of clouds running parallel to the horizon infront of a failing blue sun.

im surrounded by triggers, stirring emotions reminding me to mourn. to feel loss. to grieve for the hurt that i pretend to bury. im lonely when i fall asleep. my bed is too wide and my legs and arms dont feel her skin when i stretch out. i dont hear her laugh at all.

i can smell the smoke.

but i cant see her smile. for moments at a time i can taste who she was with a single piece of gum.

shes always there. and im always here. theres whats right and whats supposed to be done. im holding on. i want just a corner, a single thread of rope, a piece of what i had and how it made me feel. i want to forget why i feel the way i do.

why im supposed to feel and act like this.

i have myself to accept and cherish how i feel. i have my music to savor how i felt.