02.04.04 - 11:05 am

there are many mornings when i wake up, after having just dreamed of her, and find myself alone and without her, and needing her. this morning she appeared as the blonde sarah, one who i havent seen for a year or more. we were in some sort of school, and she didnt act like she knew me very well. just as some silly boy who comes into her class.

this is a place where i want to be again. in the beginning. back when she still had so much potential.

back when my feelings were still unraveling for her, instead of rolling back up to be placed in storage.

the most painful thing about oursituation, this point at which we are, is that she still has everything i want. its just barracaded behind so much emotional discomfort and poison. she has such beautiful eyes. to hear her laugh and tell jokes is always wonderful. shes a perfect woman. if only she was empty inside. if only i could clean out her feelings and memories and thoughts and rewrite her. if only i could just finish her, and make her perfect for me again. again as in, once i felt like i was once in the perfect relationship with the perfect girl.

letting go is still harder and harder. and it wouldnt be so bad except...im constantly pushed toward her.

and i always will be. and she knows this. she uses this as her sense of security, i will always come back. and as a finger on the trigger of my emotional destruction. she knows she could wipe me out with one deft motion.

ill never win.

ill never be right.

ill never do what im obligated to do.

ill never make her satisfied.

ill never be nice.

ill never be who she needs me to be.

ill never be a good father.

ill never be a good boyfriend.

ill never be a good person.

these are the things in regards to sarah i am incapable of doing for her.

but i will be able to miss her. always. miss the could have beens.