03.02.04 - 9:00 pm

blame.

where to put it. where is it needed. who gets most of it. who gets just a little. who gets none at all.

is anyone innocent? is anyone really doing the right thing?

she gets it because she got pregnant. she ruined my friendships.

she gets it because shes not acting like a friend.

they get it because they tell me what to do, but how am i to know that theyre right.

i get it because i stayed. because i didnt listen to them. i get it because i didnt listen to her. i get it because i did listen to her.

eventually it all comes down to i get it all. im the one at fault for perpetuating a situation while at the same time, in my mind trying to make not only the best of it, but make it a better situation that it has to or could be.

someone i know doesnt have any responsibilities. shows up to work when he wants. goes to class when he wants. sleeps all day. watches tv. is with his friends constantly. goes camping whenever. it seems almost nothing inconveniences him except responsibility. hes having the time of his life.

worry.

thats what i get. worry about money. because i spend all mine. worry about ashton. because hes always going to be there and i need to be important. worry about sarah. shes always going to be there and ill never know if she will make me happy or incite hatred. worry about employment and education. im not going to get the job i want. worry about happiness. am i? worry about people i care about. do they know? worry about time. i never have enough. worry about weight. when will i get some.

elizabeth told me this, and just maybe i should use this to calm some of my worries:

"...you know, you dont have to be liked by everyone all of the time..."

so it goes.