05.09.04 - 7:11 pm

not so much tired as i am hungry, i feel the shakiness from the bag of chips i ate earlier instead of a meal. i feel the cut on the first fold of my left index finger every time i bend it slightly to hit a key. i can hear the loud rumble of my fish tank, and the sound of water pouring down into the overflow. it evokes feelings of worry and dread. prior to this tank, the sound of water pouring meant water pouring out of my tank onto my floor.

my new tank is beautiful. its going to be wonderful. patience is having its way with me, as i have to wait until the water clears before i can proceed. right now i can say i have a 50 gallon salt water and a 120 gallon saltwater. nice!

sarah is working at hooters. her breasts are squeezed out of a shirt designed for that very purpose. she looks silly. pretend. designed. jealously doesnt consume me, but sadness maybe? i feel bad. i feel bad she has to parade herself around like that in order to work there, and make money. shes sacrificing my pride every day she works, so that she can support herself, which i find admirable. i also find myself covering up my disdain for what she has to do to herself with phrases like, "its actually quite a decent sportsbar" and "its not like its a crappy slutty bar, its a pretty upstanding place with some pretty decent food." so that maybe i can fool people who may think as i do, that...its.....a degrading place for someone you care about.

ashton is at my mothers. my sister jill and her have been watching him since 3 or so this afternoon. i wish i could be there to show jill all the wonderful things hes capable of since she saw him last. i hope my mom is enjoying watching him. she gets excited and buys him things, she hugs sarah. there was a rift between sarah and my mom, and my mom and me in regards to sarah. it was an unnecessary burden to endure the animosity between the two. to feel like she didnt like ashton because she didnt like sarah.

gizmo has still to be recovered. as does my respect for the brain.

there is a growing sense of urgency in relieving my disdain for his behavior and attitude. his constant berrating of me. his constant belittling of sarah and julia. what he did to sarah the other day when i was at school was....as my womens studies teacher would define it as......sexual assault.

a brainless household will soon be most comfortable.

a thorn in my side. a bump on a log. a stick in the mud. a fork in the road.

this is what my living situation as of june one is considered by me.

what the hell am i going to do.

food. fish tank. homework.

here i come.