09.26.04 - 11:11 am

it will now become a thirst for money. how much i can give her. how much she thinks she deserves. how much she wants. how much she thinks shes entitled to.
and how much ill have to give her anyways.
i am unnecessary to her. except for that i will give her money.
i still sit with a cramped stomach talking to her. my throat becomes a thick impenetrable wall defiantly denying my swallowing. i feel my fingers shake. i can feel that empty sensation in my chest.
i havent really spent a lot of time thinking of her. maybe remembering things from long ago, but nothing recent.
i tumble her words around in my head. how pathetic i am. how ridiculous i am. how nothing i say phases her. how she likes her new boyfriend. how she could care less about me.
how anger is easier for her to feel than loss.
its still unpleasant. im still speechless when someone asks me how im doing. how am i doing? well a shrug pretty much describes it fairly accurately. im not going to say im great. im not going to say im doing fine. im fixed somewhere inbetween dread, misery, and craving isolation. telling people that would only cause them to respond with an inability to even attempt to help.
"yeah, that sucks." is really the only appropriate response to give someone in my position. not much else you can say. not much else you can do. so get it out of the way, ask me how i am. give me your textbook response, and continue on with your smoking. your drinking. move over my discomfort and pretend its not really apart of who i am right now.
im going to shower now, and get rid of this.