12.18.04 - 11:53 pm

so its almost midnight, but my watch says its almost 11. my mother says its closing in on two in the afternoon over there.
regardless, im in a internet cafe, by myself, and getting severely frustrated. let me tell you why.
i got lost in rome tonight. i wandered around for two and a half hours. i was looking for the colliseum. i wanted to see what it was like in the dark, away from tourists and pigeons. my legs were free from fatigue as they carried me block after block in the completely wrong direction. i stopped in a candy store, and asked the man behind the counter if he spoke english. he said no and shook his head.
so i asked him where the colliseum was anyways. like a jerk. i had hoped he would recognize the word colliseum and then just...point. its all i needed really, just a direction. but he asked a group farther down the counter to help in english, and a nice young fellow did. with very broken phrases, he did his best to tell me how to at least get back in the right direction.
it didnt help at all.
but what all this has to do with my current frustration is of course, sarah thornton. still ignited with anger about me not wanting to take her along to italy, she completely ignores the basic elements of a trip like this. i got lost for two and a half hours. just walking around. in the dark. in the cold. in a city that doesnt have fast food or people who speak english, who prefer euros to credit cards. and what, would she expect us to carry around ashton for that amount of time and distance? what about hostels for 13 euro a night. you cant have a baby in a hostel. you have to get hotels for those. and those are significantly more money. try 50 to 70 euro, a night.
shes angry and says she sees so clearly how much of a piece of garbage i am. and you know, shes starting to make allies.
julia and i discuss my lack of motivation, drive, effort and my arrogance. along with that i guess i am selfish as sarah observes. im arrogant because i think im always right. that i know the best way. that i think i know everything.
absolutely true. im convinced, somehow, that i have this ability to know how something will turn out, or how something should be done without even knowing anything about the subject. my reasons for this are that im confident i can solve the problem, and if i cant, somehow i will, or i wont. maybe its the conseqences for the action that i dont care about, so by making assumptions based on intuition or experience, that comes across of arrogance.

so yeah, that brings me to part two. julia and i.
this morning i made her exceptionally angry. i apologized. i had good intentions in letting her sleep longer than she had expected. she told me she was just going to put on a hat and be done. yeah she had alot of shit to stuff in her bag before we left, but by the time we got to the train station, we still had a half hour to burn. she was confused at why after she instructed me to do something, i didnt do it. so for the next say 10 hours, she remained quiet. reclusive. apathetic. and easily irritated. she was upset. i think im beginning to frustrate her because im such a difficult person for her to communicate with. sarah would say it is my fault. that im just an idiot. and a douchebag.
but julia, in addition to having severe feelings of confusion and anxiety about the rest of her life, and more importantly, the unexpected feelings for someone shes enduring, it doesnt help that i make it difficult on her by being....myself.

and thats fine. i left. i came back. it was still there so i left again. ill fall asleep and maybe when i wake up she will be the pleasant tour guide she has been. more than likely things wont be the same after today. and that will make the next two days very uncomfortable.

smoking. i just dont get it. i never will. it will always baffle me. and the only thing that will ever even give me a glimmer of hope or acceptance of it depends on one person. starting tuesday, december 21st. if she continues, i will have lost all faith in anyone telling me "i can quit" and "it disgusts me".
how about this instead: fuck you.