01.26.05 - 10:51 pm

why the fuck couldnt you just say it

"yes, i want to be with him"

why did it have to be "oh, im confused."
"oh, ill break up with him eventually."

fuck you. im tired of drinking. im tired of thinking about you. im tired of waiting. im tired of pretending. im tired of feeling like shit. im tired of hurting. im tired of feeling nauseous. im tired of looking at you and wanting to kiss you. im tired of listening to you. im tired of trying to repair anything. im tired of having a son with you. im tired of driving down to eugene to pick up ashton. im tired of having to see you. im tired of waiting on you. im tired of missing class because of you. im tired of your drinking. im tired of your parenting. im tired of your family. im tired of your fucking problems. im tired of our fucking past. im tired of being angry. im tired of feeling empty. im tired of feeling undesireable. im tired of girls. im tired of roommates. im tired of stimulus. im tired of class. im tired of anxiety. im tired of sad songs. im tired of fucking late night phone calls from you telling me you love me.
what the fuck are you doing that for.
im tired of text messaging you. im tired of you still being jealous. im tired of you. im tired of you. im tired of you. im fucking tired of you. get the fuck out.

i cant frown and write about this anymore. my forehead is sore and my teeth can only be sore from clenching for so much longer. i cant wait to tell you things. i cant wait to find someone else to feel for. i cant wait to tell you. i cant wait to hurt you. i cant wait for you to feel like this. i cant wait to forget about my feelings for you. i cant wait to wash my hands of you. i cant wait to not feel so nauseous. i cant wait to not shake. i cant wait to not see your name on my caller ID. i cant wait to have a cell phone. i cant wait till next wednesday. i cant wait to scream at your face. i cant wait to tell you fuck you. i cant wait to start acting like a stalker. i cant wait to become a monster. i cant wait to tell you fuck you every fucking time i see you. i cant wait to feel angry all the time.

i am a monster.

and i am angry. but i have only music in my ears. and a narrowed vision of pain to sleep with. you have a fucking boyfriend.

fuck off.