03.01.05 - 1:18 am

people have asked, "how are things?"
well, things have changed. and things are the same. most, including myself, hoped that some girl would suddenly reveal herself and cause a rapid series of events culminating to the erasure of sarah from my heart and the replacement being someone toelrated and enjoyed by all.
but that was not the case. as much as i wished for it to happen, it simply did not. and could not.
so what did happen? where are you now?
right now im sitting in the dark. listening to russell accelerate and shift gears on his imaginary racing vehicle. i have a cell phone that sits on vibrate mode inches from my fingers, and its with this that things began to change. how, i cant explain. why, ill never know. but they did. and people will hate me for it.
it started with my inability to leave sarah alone. text messages with questions about her and blaines sex life. questions about her status. statements of my hurt feelings. sometimes her responses would be ambiguously pleasant. most of the time they were painfully direct and a textual representation of a cold slap to the face. she was done with me, and made it clear. ambiguously and inconsistently clear.
but then one day, she sent me a text message, and then another stating that she had sent the exact same one to none other than blaine. why this event occured, im not able to say. was it a conscious choice? a subconscious act to get where she really wanted to be? its still something that baffles me.
but it happened. and then, suddenly, blaine and sarah were no more. it didnt take long for sarah to find her way back to my house.
my insides were filled with excitement. but mostly confusion.

example: well fuck. now what am i supposed to do?

so there she was. sarah thornton. single. telling me she loved me. telling me she wanted me. telling me she was sorry. telling me she knows we are supposed to get married. telling me she just needed something different. telling me she was jealous. telling me she doesnt want me with anyone else. showing blatant discomfort in me talking to girls. wanting to spend time with me. wanting me. wanting to have sex with me.

but, werent you just fucking blaine last week?

if my resistence to her was replicated as a boxing match, i was able to get one swing in, which completely missed, and she deftly landed a curb stomp, shattering my teeth and face into indistinguishable chunks.
now, dont be disappointed. because, ive allowed myself to realize that i probably will be. make up relationships can only pretend for so long that things are new and different before old habits resurface and plague the individuals involved. but i have one tiny element of hope: i am different.

no longer am i fueled creatively by my disgust, disdain and anger at sarah for remaining pregnant. no longer am i pissed off at her for ruining my life. no longer am i angry at her for acting like a crazy bitch with such frequency.

now i have son. i love him. i adore him. i dont spend enough time with him because my life still gets in the way. but he is charming. he is lovely. he is beautiful. he is smart. he is strong. he is exciting. he is thirsty to learn and to please. and he is my son.

why these feelings went away so suddenly, i can only guess that italy and the threat of male competition helped dramatically. but the reciprocal relationship sarah and i had previously can be explained in one sentence. i was mad at her for having a child against my will, and with that anger i directly and indirectly took out my aggressions on her which then caused her to react irrationally, as it was the only way she knew how to express her despair, insecurity, sadness and anger.

this made for a very unpleasant relationship. but now, with my anger gone, and sarah attempting to make serious changes in the way she communicates, more options are opening up. she can talk now. she can calm down easier. she can can talk in spite of her frustration. she can apologize. she can listen. she can listen to things she disagrees with.
and we can laugh at our disagreements.

and we can laugh.

and she can be included in my social life. we went to a bar the other night to meet up with brian and the others, and it was enjoyable. it was good to have her there without a fear of a fight. argument. jealousy. shes grown up. or at least appears that way.

i dont know how deep this new sarah goes. i dont know how long shell be able to fake her new image, if thats all it is. i hope that shes changed. i hope that shes willing to work on herself dramatically. i hope that shes grown up. i hope she can prove my friends wrong by displaying that shes sorry for being and acting as she had.
i hope she can prove my parents wrong by apologizing for her behavior, and working with them to build a relationship, instead of avoiding them in shame and fear.
i hope she can prove me wrong, by making up for our lost time by becoming a person frought with happiness, empathy, and understanding. i hope that she can work with me to make me better, while at the same time allowing me to help her become the person she is capable of.

"youre a dumbass."

nothing is for certain. im not doing anything except working to make my life better and easier. and happier. and believe me, if i am able to find someone who turns appears to be a woman far superior to sarah, then i can make the decision to work on that. im not married. im twenty three. im not fifty four trying to recover a marriage that is doomed. im taking on a project in spite of my family.
i like sarah.
i do not tell her i love her.
i want sarah and i to work out.
i want sarah to be a good person for me.
but as shes done to me, i can do to her. i dont have to stay with her if i dont want to. and right now i want to work on a project. a project i couldnt work on earlier because i wasnt ready to.

things arent what they seem. i still do not trust her. this is why i cant say that i am really with her. i cant really re-label myself a boyfriend. i am just someone smoothing out the rough patches in something that has the potential to make me really happy.

and if not, i can leave.
you may disagree, but...youll see. just as i will. anything can happen, and i want you just to accept that and find out with me. please?