03.15.05 - 8:29 pm

so ive had moments to type and explain some thoughts, but every time i get started, i stop, erase and discontinue. i dont know why, i just havent been able to put into words the frustrations and happenings of my thoughts as of late.

so, finally, im getting at least something out.

lets start with this little smidgen of idiocracy:
The parents of a 23-year-old activist killed while trying to prevent the demolition of a Palestinian home is suing Caterpillar Inc., the company that made the bulldozer that ran over her.
"The brutal death of my daughter should never have happened," Corrie's mother, Cindy Corrie, said in a statement released by the Center for Constitutional Rights, a law firm handling the case. "We believe Caterpillar and the (Israeli Defense Forces) must be held accountable for their role in the attack."

so, two years ago, this girl was protesting demolition of palestine houses by israelis. she did what many others had done and just stood in the way, hoping the cost of her life would make the driver of the bulldozer stop and not allow him to proceed. well, he continued anyway, and she was destroyed. meh. while this is tragic and uncalled for, even more unnecessary and ridiculous is the family. now two years after her death...suing the company that sells the bulldozers that killed their daughter. where is the fucking logic in that? it just doesnt make any sense. i cant even begin to fathom that family, grieving late one night around a dinner table trying to put blame somewhere, on anything other than their daughter, and suddenly the father speaking up, "i know, lets sue the bulldozing company. if this company hadnt made this bulldozer, our daughter would still be alive!" what the fuck? listen pal, your daughter was the one who put herself in a country battling its own civil war. she knowingly put herself in a place of immediate danger. if the suicide bombs hadnt killed her, well standing infront of a bulldozer certainly would. their daughter wasnt kidnapped and forced to stand infront of a building about to be destroyed. she was an activist. the payoff of being an activist is matrydom. leave it at that. dont mar her selfless statement as the fault of anyone but her own decisions. caterpillar inc responded with an incredibly concise and appropriate response:
"Caterpillar shares the world's concern over unrest in the Middle East and we certainly have compassion for all those affected by political strife.
However, more than 2 million Caterpillar machines and engines are at work in virtually every region of the world each day. We have neither the legal right nor the means to police individual use of that equipment."

for fucks sake. youre goddamn right. good for you caterpillar, i hope you destroy that familys reckless and frivilous lawsuit just as easily as your machine dismantled their daughters body.

next up, sarah. she is a new person. she has made tremendous bounds as far as becoming a person again and not so much a monster. she is communicative. while its difficult for me to engage her in extended conversations without her easily distracted or bored, she is beginning to realize the scope of her emotions and how they affect our relationship. instead of turning to anger and raising her voice, she explains her frustrations in words. it takes a little bit of effort to get her to talk about what she is feeling and why she is feeling it, but the improvement alone in this is very much enjoyed. we can talk about our problems with each other much more civilized now. she may get angry, but she has also demonstrated that she is capable of calming herself down and moving on and not holding so diligently to a grudge. this has made our relationship easier, peaceful and better. thank you sarah. however, the trade off seems to be trust. thats our next project to work on.

her sister. i have an email id like to write her, as a direct way of expressing my confusion and frustration, but simply put...i am. its not really my place to say anything, and of course either one of them is probably going to retort angrily with "well you and sarah....." which is not the point of anything i have to say to her. its just that, i know its affecting russell. its putting a tremendous amount of strain and stress on him. im sure its almost as if hes now forced into the responsibility of helping her forever, because leaving her would only cause her to spiral down into something far worse. and thats a terrible burden to put on someone. i felt that way with sarah. i felt that i was too involved. i couldnt back out even to save myself. i had to keep trying to help her. help her get off drugs. be a happier person. if i stopped, and broke up with her, i feared i would be partly responsbile for how she would inevitably end up. i dont know anything. i dont know if russell feels that way. i dont know if hes even bothered by rachels emotional difficulties. i dont know if they really even have any outside the written words i read. i dont know anything first and foremost, but i cant be too far off from my assumptions. and i want to speak up.

marijuana. im sorry, i really hate it. sure i have no problem eating a brownie cooked with weed. i'll smoke the occasional bowl. but that doesnt mean i enjoy it. respect it. appreciate it. and most importantly need it.
i hate that kristin woke up and immediately went to the garage to smoke. then a few minutes later went back out to smoke again. i hate that sarah does it almost as frequently as she does. i hate that sarah thinks its ok. i hate that all the people including the managers at her work smoke weed. i hate that julia smokes weed. i hate that she has very little opposition to her enjoyment out of it. i hate that its hard for me to talk to her without hearing weed or bowl or im high or getting high or adan and i are going to smoke....its depressing.
sarah tells me its just weed.
julia tells me its just weed.
so fucking what? isnt it disgusting that you need it on such a regular basis in order to enjoy aspects of your life?
oh, shut up? i dont know what im talking about? you dont smoke it that much? you dont need it?bullshit.
then quit. quit forever. try to find another way to feel good about yourself. try to find something non drug oriented to get addicted to. try to be happpy and feel good without the use of a narcotic.

its here that julia mentions sarah as her response to my attack on her and weed. as if its a choice i make thats knowingly bad for me. i dont have a response to this as of yet. i just know i dont think its a valid retort against my disgust in her drug use.

my sister. my sister. my sister. my sister.
i talked to her for a good while on monday morning. it was 5:40 or so. i talked to her and did my best to make her laugh. to make her feel godo in spite of the inevitable rising anxiety inside her. another brain surgery. last night, as i laid in sarahs bed trying to get ashton to fall asleep, i writhed in agony. my jaw, head and throat have been the source of excruciating pain for a few days now. terrible, agonizing pain. so while in the dark, ashton squirming beside me, i imagined that somehow, in someway, i was enduring a chunk of whitneys pain, so that her actual pain experience was just that much easier to tolerate. that i was helping her by sharing or taking on just a small amount of discomfort, so that she could feel just a little less pain. so i took the pain as long as i could, and then i broke. consuming oxycodon pills. two or three of them. they took two hours to consume the pain. it was unbearable.
whitney has eaten toast as of this morning, and kept it down. last night she threw up. the best words my step father has been able to tell me so far was that the doctor was "optmistic" about her hearing remaining unscathed. this is good news. as the impression i was under had been that her hearing was to be lost due to the surgery. apparently this was not the case, however, scar tissue could impede her auditory abilities in that ear. i want to go home. i want to see her, but the educational system im failing at is keeping me here. at least for a few more days.

so, there. i bitched. i moaned. i complained. im happy. im frustrated. i have pain. and i have hope.

all the good things life is made of.