06.22.05 - 8:14 pm

alright. relax. youre doing fine. there are plenty of things you can do to keep yourself busy. preoccupied. not thinking. why dont you read a book outside? why dont you take your dog on a walk? why dont you draw? should you start drinking? ben doesnt get home till 10. maybe you should drive home.

why does she always have her sister watch him when shes supposed to? why does she always go out when she watches him, and then bitches to me that i dont watch him enough. she went out last night. shes out tonight. she didnt see him for four days last week. she sees him just long enough to pretend like she cares before she wants to go out and be 20 again.

a list of emotions:
angry. frustrated. ruthless. disappointed. anxious. hurt. lonley.

this is what a fake panic attack feels like. a rush of anxiety. what is she doing. where is she. who is she with.

all the while the exact same voice is saying, look, who cares? youre more than content with what you have. who you have. what youve done. stop being so...retroactive. be proactive. fuck her. she doesnt matter. at all. nor ever again...