07.17.05 - 9:28 am

i dont understand. a daily dose of extreme confusion. its disorienting.

why is there such a gap in between us? why am i here feeling sad and wishing things were different...and why does she have so much anger and disgust? shouldnt i have that? shouldnt i have more hatred towards her? why do i bury it and gloss over all the terrible things shes done in the last three years and feel heartbreak instead?

why cant i feel relief?

i dont know. maybe i would if the roles were reversed. maybe i would feel angry and happy if i had lost interest in her and decided i was tired of pretending. she can say she endured it for a year after we became pregnant, that i neglected her emotionally following that initial discovery. but then i remember. i remember everything she doesnt.
im not going to say i wasnt angry. or disgusted with her decision with methamphetamines still pumping through her body. im not going to disagree with my inconsistant emotional support. but there are reasons for that beyond just that she was pregnant against my will. i dont need to justify how i feel, ive already done it again and again almost three years ago.

but there was potential. i knew it. no one else did. and i tried far too hard to make it work. i used up alot of myself in these last six months trying to get her to be happy with me. to move on past our past difficulties. start over and feel happiness at being with each other, and being with each other and having a child.

but im 23 and tired of girls.
shes 20 and ready to meet hundreds of new people.

we are done. get over it. next time write about everything you hate about her, and maybe youll feel different.

maybe youll feel better.