08.21.05 - 8:39 pm

well. its working. whatever it is. its getting the job done. its about goddamn time.

the nausea is waning. the thoughts are few and far between. but still there. im sure they will be the last to go.

being downtown the other night, driving around, walking to ringlers, kells...out amongst people of my age bracket. it was fun. i enjoy the company of all those strangers, even though its all such a silly process. but then theres sarah.

i want her there. i want to go out with her. i want her there to buy drinks for, and laugh with and pay attention to. i want her to hold my hand while we squeeze through crowds of people. id like to walk around downtown late at night with her.

but really, i know its not really her i want there with me. its...someone i have that desire for that i want to accompany me out in engaging late night social activities. sarah just happens to have the remains of those feelings, and its late at night that i find them somewhere and miss her. want her with me. wanting her to have as good a time as i am...but with me instead of without. sigh.

but then i come home. look at some pictures and remember. remember what sarah tells me, and what sarah does. what sarah wants, and what she really wants.

she may still kiss me, or want to. but when shes out, shes glad shes not with me.

she may feel as i do, late at night, wishing we both had each other and everything was fine again. and she may tell me this, or imply it. but she makes no effort outside of these quiet moments to prove it. instead, while she may whisper she wants and misses me, she distinctly shows me just how unnecessary and unimportant i am in her life. which is fine. i guess.
so it goes.

i cant allow myself to believe. to want. to feel like something is really changing in her. that inspite of all shes done and does that she really wants anything to do with me. that she really wants anything more than to just use me as an emotional crutch. i dont know why. she gets plenty of attention.

the other day, when she was 15 minutes late in picking up ashton and i had to hide with him in the office until she arrived, instead of apologizing genuinely, she almost...snickers. she smiles. she laughs it off like its no big deal. she gets annoyed at me being frustrated and embarrassed by her. she shooed me off with a disgusted smirk and an annoyed wave. i was bothering her.

i am the only person she has responsibility to. and my feelings arent validated because everyone else adores her. doesnt care if shes a little late in meeting them. they dont have children. they understand. they can care less. so everything is easy and smooth. but being late with me means im at work holding a two year old while my managers look at their watches and have to back up the cash registers, or help customers while i stand there and feel humiliated. so when it finally comes time for me to tell sarah how i feel, when i show her how upset i am with how angrily i talk to her....she shoos me off. because i am no one to her. everyone else doesnt care. i am just a fluke. a burden. i am not someone she misses. or respects. or needs to have any sort of compassion for. i am just the only person whose made her life more difficult. thats it.

she is poison. great fun and a delightful person to everyone else. toxic for me. shes confused she says. she wants me but she wants to be single.

which means she doesnt want me.

i wish i could say all this shit i just wrote impacted me in some way. but all it really does is make me sad. sad sarah and i didnt work out. sad that im getting over her. sad that shes still around. sad that i dont have anyone to replace her.
sad that i even think about her or wonder what she does. sad that while im even wasting an entry on such a futureless series of thoughts.

the thoughts will still stick around, but deeper than the thoughts and musings will be the hope. god that will take forever to kill off.