09.24.05 - 1:01 am

so its late. just past 1 am. i have a stomach thats been very impatient for the last three hours. i have to wake up in just five hours. maybe five and a half.

my hands are dry from the salt. the salt thats in all the water ive been fucking around with tonight. i made a bold move and did a 50 gallon water change and then added $120 dollars worth of fish. two fish. a boy and a girl. god, i hope this one works.

i have twenty six hours of work owed to petco next week. thats six more than i asked. i told angela, hey, look, ill only need 15 to 20 hours. max. so im really glad she over compensated by giving me nearly thirty fucking hours. after my fifteen hours of college education. my ten to fifteen hours of being a rep for apple computers. all while trying to raise a two year old while his mom is at work. with all this goddamn free time ill have. im not so much concerned with having any free time for just myself, i just need to get it squared away with sarah how we are going to do this this year. last year we were together for the most part and alternating him between her and i didnt require much. she slept at my house most of the time. or i slept at hers. now thats ease. simple.
now with her living in dundee and me in corvallis, no longer will i have a pleasant little 20 minute drive to meet her. now itll be more like 35 to 40 minutes....just one way.
great. cant wait for that.
goddamn you sarah. youve really fucked up this whole thing. it could have been so fucking easy. all it would have taken was you to just...ha. you. ok ok, more like...all it would have taken was us...no, thats not right either. all it would have taken was for me....to....change?

i dont know. this is really lame. and as much as you tell me youre sick of hurting. sick of fucking other guys. and sick of being so possessed, you dont do a goddamn thing about it to me. which is fine. i wouldnt expect you to. you have too much going for you. you like what youre doing too much. and im really not much compared to the mass of other guys you sleep with and desire. they all have cars. and money. and nice apartments or houses. nice abs. muscles and good looking friends.
they also dont have children. i wonder if you would ever start sleeping with a guy with a kid. i doubt you would. you wouldnt have the patience. it wouldnt be exciting enough for you.

well thats about enough of that. i dont have enough money to order a pizza or get a pita. i have plenty of steaks and pastas though. and i have a nice 10 hour day to work. and without fail, im sure i will have a wondering evening to look forward to.

unless you want to go out, and need me to babysit.