11.07.05 - 1:07 am

i guess i should probably clarify why i suddenly felt that way.

i suppose it comes down to three reasons:

im insecure dealing with a heavy blow to my self esteem.

i am angry and bitter.

and i feel trapped in a point in my life that needs to end.

things are much easier now. i think i can actually remember the day that for whatever reason, the majority of discomfort suddenly lifted. i was sitting in this chair, at this desk infront of this computer. i was about to leave for work i think. i had been hurting and thinking of reasons why i was. i might have even prayed for it to just stop, as i was getting quite tired of feeling like this. and not too long after, it...just...suddenly stopped. it didnt ease my thinking of her and our situation, but suddenly the emotional battery ceased. i even remember cocking my head slightly and looking around.

that was weird.

who knows what any of that means. but since then things just have been going better. there was a moment when i felt like acting hurt and angry when she stood opposite of me looking in the bed of a red truck. but then i made it stop. and things were fine. i still wonder what she does with her body and her emotional attachments, but so dramatically less that it usually takes some effort to trigger these thoughts.
and i like that.
i like that i dont feel the need to ask her who shes having sex with. i wonder, but i dont need to know. i dont really care what she does. how late she stays out. where she goes. and these thoughts dissolve so easily now. and this has been wonderful.

is this what moved on feels like? no. not yet. but close.

but now that thats out of the way, since theres not really any more hurting to get through, there are two other emotions i need to deal with:

anger and bitterness. maybe just anger. i think ill always be angry at her for creating this whole mess. creating a mess and then leaving without properly cleaning it up. she tried, she says anyways. but i feel like given our circumstances, regardless of the lack of rings on our fingers, there should have been a stronger desire to make this work. why though? whats there to work on? we didnt work.

because of your age difference. because of your upbringings. because of your lifestyles.

then why did i see so much hope inspite of this? perhaps it was because you watched your parents divorce. you watched its toll on your family. and in many ways, this seperation from sarah was a divorce. something you vehemently despised.

so of course youre bitter. you failed at one of the promises you made yourself. right after you failed an earlier promise.

dont have kids before 30.
dont get a divorce.

ah you did it! the root of your anguish. the deepest part of this whole anger and resentment. failing your own expectations of yourself. so perhaps youre really just mad at yourself. mad that you reacted the way you did towards an unexpected pregnancy. mad that you treated sarah with such contempt and resentment for so long. mad that you didnt change how you felt until after italy, instead of long before it.

so there it is. part two of this whole thing.

angry at sarah for making the choices she did.
and angry at myself for the choices i made.

bitter because its impossible to recapture what you once had. and bitter because youre still in school, wishing you had a career and a steady and pleasant income. bitter because you havent started your life yet, and thus arent able to raise your son the way youd prefer.

bitter at sarah for making it this way.

well there you have it.

inspite of all that, sarah really makes me sort of ill to think of. her activities in the last 11 months have been enough to create feelings of disgust. combine that with the bitterness and the positive changes in my life and things are changing for the best. some days more than others. but im on an incline.

something good is here.