01.23.06 - 11:23 pm

im lonely all of a sudden. ive been at the library now for two hours, and yet, all of a sudden it hit me.

i dont have her to suddenly text message anymore. i cant just call her and tell her i miss her or i love her. that void has opened up again. and what an ugly desolate void that is.

i feel duped. i feel cheated. i feel angry. i feel disappointed. i feel let down. i feel shorted out of some wonderful future experiences and goals and plans. i feel sad. i feel betrayed.

i feel insecure. i feel like im not funny enough. not good looking enough. not strong enough. not wealthy enough. not out of school enough. not fun enough. not childless enough. not kevin enough.

i had these plans to spend numerous evenings at crowded bars in corvallis with her and walking home drunk and laughing. i wanted to go to the mountain with her, and spend a few nights in a hotel in the snow. i wanted to go to canada with her in the fall on my roadtrip. i wanted her to move down to california with me for grad school. i wanted so much for her and i. i expected so much out of this that it made the silliness of it all worth it. that it was going to work out any minute, and when it did....wow, was it going to be great.

i feel embarrassed for trying to bring her back into my family under the guise she was permanent this time. forcing her to my family christmas parties so that people can meet her and welcome her and include her in my family. i made her come to my moms, even though she didnt want to, because i wanted things to hurry up and be normal and happy and fun and....perfect. i tried to convince my mom that she was different now, and so were we and that soon things would be great between sarah and my mom. i had always wanted to call up sarah and have her tell me she was out shopping with my mom, or getting lunch with her.

ultimately, amongst the disappointment, the confusion, the anger, the hurt, the feelings of betrayal....i feel just as elizabeth must be feeling. and i am not pleased about this one bit. i completely phased her out without warning or her consent, in hopes that somehow what i was replacing her with was better for me, and worth the cost of losing elizabeth. i took a large chance on a gross miscalculation. i had hoped she would understand, somehow, at least i had justified it to the point i figured she would.

but i betrayed her as i had been betrayed. so i lost out twice: i lost a good thing, and i lost a bad thing.