01.30.06 - 1:33 am

i feel like its been raining for weeks. hasnt it been a solid month of rain? minus the brief glimpses of sun and clear sky. of sunlight.
so much rain right now.

i have a beard coming. theres no stopping it now. it tends to rouse itself every time sarah and i break up. next to my tiny frame and lack of any real body weight, its the biggest cockblocker a boy could ask for.

my secret competition with todd has hit a serious roadblock.

ssssssssssssscabies. a delightful companion whos many family members are currently defecating under my skin to the extent which im constantly scratching myself to relieve the immense discomfort. god, i love having scabies.

i cant even tell you how awkward conversations are with sarah. they sort of trail off at the end. where i love you or i miss you or ill call you soon used to be said, it has been replaced with frustration and passive agression. its lame. i have a hard time figuring out what the point is of what we are doing. im punishing her by breaking up with her and treating her with distaste when i see or talk to her...and shes participating by resenting me for....for mistakes shes made. its almost like we should just stop this bullshit and get back together. i mean, she knows i want to be with her. and i know that she...sort of wants to be with me. but yet we have to act like we cant be together anymore. just because shes such a terrible girlfriend. she will call me and tell me she misses me moments before hanging up on me for writing kevin a message. she has a hard time distinguishing her feelings from love, regret and apathy. mostly to me its a mixture of the first and last. im important in her life, but in what way? i refuse to be just a friend. im not her friend. i invested far too much into her to just....be friends with her.
and i hate that she doesnt want to be more. that shes incapable of more.

i dont like that while i lie in bed remembering how nice she was to be with, i have memories of just how god awful she was as a girlfriend. new years. her birthday. night after night after night. parties. bars. clubs. always. always disappointing. always.

i wish i could just focus on myself and being single and enjoying it. but theres really nothing to enjoy anymore. im 24. i have a child. friday and saturday nights im at home after work doing nothing because ashton is asleep in my bedroom. sarah is out meeting people. having fun. drinking. justin and lindsey giggle and laugh and are inseperable. so many couples come in my work buying fish together. buying pets to share. things to represent the longevity of their relationship, yet i see as only things to fight over or give up on when they break up several months later.

no relationship is permanent.

two important aspects of future girl i start dating:
1) must have car
2) must enjoy not going to bars or clubs four days a week.

ugh. girls. enough already. fuck you todd.