03.14.06 - 12:24 am

"why are you acting like such a penis?"
"i didnt know that i was...."
"you always do. its annoying."

thats her way of telling me i was being a cold, assholish dick. big surprise. i dont understand why she hasnt accepted the fact that being around her is extremely unpleasant. that i dont enjoy her. what she says. or even looking at her.

i drove home from her work alone, and almost automatically picked up my phone to call julia. for whatever reason it suddenly felt like i could just call her up comfortably, ask her about her day and what she was doing up. once the realization set in that this was not an option, i sank with disappointment. but then it shifted to remember when i would call sarah to talk, but quickly resigned with disappointment there as well. it was depressing to think that i wasnt on my way to her house right then, or already there just waiting for her to get off work. but if this was the case, shed be calling me to tell me she was off to go see some friends for a bit and that shed be home in an hour or two.

and then show up sometime around 3 in the morning, smelling of alcohol and cigarrette smoke.

thats why you talk to her anymore, or enjoy her company. remember? thats why you didnt say even a simple goodnight to her as she got ashton into her car. you just shut your car door, put your seatbelt on and drove off. with not even a second glance from her. you dont enjoy her because she dumped you when she found out you were going to italy. she dumped you when you got back together after an entire summer had elapsed. and she dumped you again after she told you she wanted no one else but you to spend her time with. you dumped her because of her thinking cocaine is ok to use recreationally. you dumped her because she was fake and dishonest. because she lied. because she didnt care. because she smoked. because when she said she loved you....she didnt even mean it.

all those thoughts were shrugged off as mark isham's "flames" came on the stereo, and you suddenly were dead. facing a faceless voice that explained to you that you werent good enough to enter heaven, but not bad enough for hell. so purgatory was your fate after death. you were to spend eternity completely alone and without company but in whatever condition i wanted.

then allow me to explore the heavens and the earth, at my own free will, at any speed i can imagine with mark isham's "flames" as my soundtrack. my request granted, my soul was allowed to fly at speeds unheard of by any human standards, and every inch of the universe for the rest of time was mine to see and experience. a trip to alpha centuri took only minutes and skating around saturn merely seconds. this would be a pleasant eternity.