04.07.06 - 1:42 am

clench your fist. in a swift swinging motion and with all your hate and love and glory and pride and excitement scream, "YEAH".

now, hold that fist. clench it harder. squeeze it. look at it with hate. curl your lips in disgust. with spite. with disdain. put that fist through something with all your anger. your wrath. your fear. your regret. and scream, "FUCK".

thats how i feel tonight. but im also forced to think about what it means. julia pushed away. sarah pushed away. and now stacy. three important figures in my life moved beyond the reach of my fingers, my feelings and my life. if i was a religious man, what would this mean? why would these people be taken away from me? to teach me to focus on myself? to ignore girls because theres too much internal work to be completed? i dont understand. i dont see the point. and i dont see what ultimate good will come of it. at least give me julia back. just her. please.

colt. you cocksucker.

so somewhere in corvallis there is a girl that i have fancied for far too long. i see her in the most awkward of situations. with a beard with nothing to say. randomly at a bar with insecurity sealing my lips. with a handle bar mustache silenced by shame. with child. with sarah.

at a party once at brians house where she invited me...and everyone else, to her parents time share in mexico.

and tonight where she invited me to sit with her at a table with her and colt.

colt is my bartender friend, who ive known through advanced aquarium, and then animal house, and then...just as friends who share an intense common interest in saltwater fish.

"im telling you this only because im drunk, but i came into your work twice to ask you out. and its weird, because...i never do that. i never ask people out."

twice. and i wasnt there. and then colt got her. colt and stacy. sigh. i close my eyes with such disappointment. shes a psychology major, and everything i tell her i plan on doing or have done, she mirrors back with excitement because its exactly as she has done.

stacy.

if i had just been at work one of those two times. perhaps i could have....created something. but really....stacy? asking you out? liking you enough to...ask you out?! what the fuck? does that even happen in real life? no.

no it doesnt.

but really, if there was one man i could lose a girl to....it would be colt. he really is a good guy. one i could generously surrender a beautiful intelligent perfect female to.

again ill wait. as i do. wait wait wait.

wait for julia. wait for stacy.

something will happen sometime. it has to. doesnt it? dont i deserve it? dont i deserve a chance? an answer?

until then, a clenched fist of confusion and regret. and a strange new song by shiny toy guns called you are the one. its suddenly the exact song i need in thinking about this. i dont understand this, but im hoping it will make sense in retrospect some dozen years from now, as i look over at my house. my yard. my son. my wife.

my satisfactory life.