04.19.06 - 9:13 pm

whats the difference i wonder. how does she go about finding so many new boyfriends and people to show off and date and leave her <3 and then....how i do not have anything close.

im surrounded by 10,000 more people than she is.

and yet she continually has a new partner.

why am i not meeting anyone new? why am i not meeting anyone coming up to me saying, hey, i like you. we should date. why am i not meeting people that want to call me up and do things? why does it seem like everyone else is too preoccupied with their own lives?

i dont care because, i know eventually none of this will matter. ill be done here and ill be where i want to be and meeting people and having enjoyable short term relationships. but, its frustrating to have to compare my life to hers when by all accounts i should have all the benefits and advantages, and yet the opposite seems true.

is it because i dont go to enough house parties? dont have enough friends left here to introduce me to their friends? is it because theres a different standard for an attractive female with a child versus an attractive male with a child? is it age? is it because its so much easier for older guys to pick up on younger girls? should i start going to bars more? with larger groups of people? have i already been deemed too old to participate in the college social scene?

these are questions that baffle me. perhaps im just a douchebag, and its noticeable for miles away. perhaps im physically undesireable in a social situation that emphasizes specific physical characteristics.

either way, its only increasing my angst towards her. not only did she end our relationship, but shes also highly successful at moving on.

and im still stuck with my text messages and whiney journal entries. its been four months. in another three ill be right where i was at the end of last year...so close to being comfortable. so close to independance. so close to emotional security.

im not going to lie to you, this sucks.