05.01.06 - 6:03 pm

that last entry...was a fake one. in the industry, they call that.....filler.

so im hungry, but dont have the motivation to cook. im pretty sure, its not motivation i lack, its that im slightly embarrassed that all i want to eat is what i already had for lunch: steak and hashbrowns.

i wanted to go see a movie tonight. but as per usual, no one i wanted to go with was available. or interested.

"its too sooooooooon."

so rejection count this year has been pleasantly high: there is that one girl that suddenly got a boyfriend.
then theres that other girl that got a boyfriend.
then theres that other girl that says shes too busy, but then got a boyfriend.
then theres that one girl thats angry that my feelings for her dont match up to her feelings for me so she doesnt ever want to talk to me again.
and then theres that other girl that...wait, oh yeah i just made this last one up.
it seems boyfriends are everywhere these first four months of 2006.
whether they be bartenders, guys who drive motorcycles, are in the marines or have their own clothing company...

id like to say its not bothering me, because frankly im enjoying my son more than i am people my own age, but im still going to work with a noticeable amount of irritability and pain in my behavior, and im still finding motivation extremely hard to initiate. basically what im trying to say is, im not getting better, but i cant tell if its getting worse.

maybe i am getting better.

i dont even fucking know anymore. and all this goddamn rejection has really got to stop.