05.08.06 - 5:59 pm

well, there. done. check the box next to shit out of luck, pencil in rejected on the dotted line, fold up the paper and mail it off to no one in particular.

could i have stumbled my words any more? could i have articulated any more desperate bullshit? such awkward silences. such fumbling over what to say and how to say it. even when i tried to just say immediately what was on my mind, i failed in eloquence.

it didnt matter. i could have said far less and the outcome would still have remained the same. she knows i like her, and have liked her. she knows ive waited and watched. she knows my feelings remain.

but i got nothing in return. no shared feelings. no sigh of relief as she could finally reveal pent up feelings shed been hiding for years. it was more or less a lesson in fixing your own break up problems before you can date someone, especially if they have the same experiences to work through.

so her and joel. the parole officer with a motorcycle and a divorce under his belt.

and me. with a child and a failed college career.

well, im pretty sure thats the last of them. all the names off this damn short list have been crossed off. scribbled on. or erased for good. now i just wait. ill thumb over her number in my phone, wanting to call her, but knowing i wouldnt necessarily enjoy it. ill be excited and honored when she calls me again, but grit my teeth when we end our conversation.

itll be nice to be in thailand. just me and the boy. my cell phone ringing somewhere at the bottom of the south pacific, the sun rinsing off our homesickness, and nothing more to ever need or want.

you were perfect that night. as per usual.