05.27.06 - 4:31 am

i feel bad i think. i never once asked her if she was ok. i never once said im glad shes ok.

the whole drive up today, i kept trying to find some...concern. some sympathy. i didnt have any.

and i feel bad about this. especially seeing her with that black eye. it was hard to even muster anything to even say to her. theres just nothing there. at all. and i feel bad soley about that concept.

but do i really? do i even really care, ultimately, that i dont care?

probably not. ashton wasnt with her. thats all that matters to me. hes asleep in my bed tonight, with me. where i know for a fact that he is safe and no harm will ever come to him.

when hes with me.

when hes out there somewhere with her or her siblings or at her moms house...i have no idea what will happen. i dont know if he'll fall off something high and dangerous. i dont know if sarah will smoke infront of him. i dont know if sarah will drive her car off the road while texting someone. i dont know if abby will not pay attention to him while hes upstairs in a bathtub.

i just dont know. and i dont trust. and i worry alot more about this than i let on or express to her.

the day he finally is all mine, in some far off country, then i will know hes safe. for sure.