05.29.06 - 2:39 am

i drove home tonight with the heat on full blast. it reminded me briefly of my drives late at night in phoenix. the heat still strong enough to allow me to drive without a shirt, windows rolled all the way down.

tonight i was bored. lonely and disappointed. i saw three groups of people tonight: wendy. kit. brain. only the latter provided some enjoyment.

when i find myself in positions such as this i think of two things:

ashton

sarah

i think of ashton when my house is empty. because thats what i want the most. an empty house with just me and him. i think about this fantasy every day. just me and him. how enjoyable it would be. im finding more and more how stressed and confused its making him being tossed from parent to parent. its especially hard on him. and its becoming increasingly hard on me. its making me want to quit school. find another job. find another place to live. and i cant do any of these things for him. i feel i am failing him in so many ways.

sarah. i dont know what it is anymore. most days i feel nothing in regards to her. im surprised when she suddenly creeps into my head. tonight when i smelled my smoke tinged fingertips. her fingertips. but when i think of her, im remembering the emptiness. not the affection. it quickly turns to hate. and i find myself tense and angry. angry that it even happened. any of it. angry at how poisoned i am by her.

which leads directly into katy. and julia. any any girl.

poison.

sometimes i enjoy being so asexual. so void of any desire or intention. but in doing so i create a void that i only want filled with the presence of my son. and hes out of reach. hes sleeping with that witch of a woman, and her boyfriend.

and it sickens me.

i say it all the time, but its going to happen. soon enough.

just me and him.

laughing in the sand. surrounded by jungle topped pillars of limestone. the ocean lapping at our toes.

just me and him.