08.13.06 - 8:04 pm

its tough on him, you know?

sarah called me today, after she picked up ashton, to complain that ashton has always thrown terrible fits after being watched by my mother. today something about him wanting to take a bath, and then throwing the tv on the floor.

i dont understand this, nor have i an explanation.

my only thoughts on the matter is that hes struggling. hes struggling in ways normal healthy children arent supposed to struggle. ashton is tossed between at least three different households on a weekly basis. each with its own set of rules, each with their own set of standards and available activities. for a three year old, perhaps its extremely difficult for him to adjust to each one. he does so well, and is so tolerant and forgiving. and sarah and i take this for granted. and so when he finally breaks down emotionally because of it, its seen as abnormal, and unusual.

i dont know anything about sarah. i dont know how she is as a parent. i dont know if she sees anything wrong with our current situation.

but to me, its extremely flawed. its unfortunate, and frustrating. i might even call it miserable.

i dont mind being broke all the time. i dont mind girls passing me over because i have a child. what im growing more and more tired of is the constant passing off of ashton on a weekly basis. its not healthy for him. its not right. and its frustrating because its all due to mistakes i made years ago, and its due to a single female who continues to.....exist.

if i would have just been more supportive of having a child. if i would have only been who i was last december for sarah during her pregnancy and the first year after ashtons birth. those were my mistakes. it cost me the emotional connection that sarah had to me.

but if sarah would have just continued to have feelings for me after our last serious breakup, and meant what she said when she requested we get back together. if only she would realize that her and i can and do work as a couple. that living together and raising our child as a couple would have been worth any extra effort on her part to make her happy to be with me.

all of this is is ridiculous bullshit, so says the rolling eyes and blatant disgust of julia in my head, my sudden unofficial conscience.

but its hit me lately how stupid sarah was for succumbing to her selfish desires of sex and parties. how much i desire to be a functioning parental couple for ashton, with her. how i admire the storybook version of what parents should be and how they should raise a child. how guilt ridden and embarrassed i feel as a single parent. how humiliating it is. how it breaks my heart. my dreams. any aspirations i once had.

and trying to repair those blows by pretending a girlfriend will give myself some sense of structure only encourages more discouragement.

knowing the girl i desire has a boyfriend with a motorcycle and can ride out to the beach on the weekends for a family barbeque with her motorcycled brother and sister in law is such a cloud of depression. i work weekends at a petstore, drive a kia rio, and have a kid. i have substantially less to offer, in terms of desireability. i dont ride motorcycles. i cant just leave for the beach on a whim, and at the end of the day, i have a three year old. it just doesnt...fit, with the lifestyle a single girl would find appealing. all i really have to offer right now is just my company, and unfortunately, thats just not enough for most girls.

this is a ramble of despair.

i understand that once school is over, theres the possibility ill have a better paying job. i understand that, with a better paying job, ill have more freedom to play or do enjoyable activities. and from that ill obtain a higher status of desireability.

but i dont see this occurring anytime soon. as ive been saying for months, im tired of dating. hookups. threesomes. flirting. all of it. all i want is a girlfriend and my son every day.

im glad sarahs doing so well though.