08.14.06 - 10:19 pm

i dont know what it is, or how to rid myself of it. but i have these cycles where....shes just becomes so much of my thoughts. its pathetic really. i feel really ashamed, weak and guilty. and then i start bitching to my friends, and they all tell me what theyve always told me: youre going to get hurt. its not worth it. just dont do it.

but tonight, i went against these recommendations and just....told her some things. vented to her. revealed some things to the best a handful of text messages could do. its apparent it was foolish. but at least, its off my chest....or something like that.

me: i dont like how we are raising ashton. im growing more and more unhappy with raising ashton by passing him off on each other. im frustrated with how unnatural and unhealthy it is. and lately ive been bothered by something, and i cant put my finger on it.

(after a few hours of nothing)

me: no thoughts on this? dont care? im being annoying?

her: ? how were raising him? no, sorry...we were napping. so, yeah...usually its how it is when the parents arent together. i mean what do you want to do. and whats the cant put your finger on it deal? has to do with ashton or what.

me: what it comes down to is that im tired of being a single parent. its so tough on ashton and im frustrated that its not different and better for him.

her: yeah, but really its all he knows and what he'll grow to know. at least there isnt only 1 of us.

me: meh. what do you think about though? i mean, are you satisfied with this? is this ok to you? do you ever think about changing this situation

her: yeah. but what can i do.

me: sigh. absolutely nothing youre capable of.

her: what happened to your girlfriend. i thought she was 'different'.

me: she is great and different. but, moving soon...so were pretty much friends again...but even then, not what i want. not the normalcy im disappointed i dont have. im...sorry im discussing this with you. ive just been thinking alot about this recently.

her: yeah. so have i...really. but theres really nothing can do.

me: it comes down to the fact that i dont hate you all the time. im angry we didnt work out...and thats a nice way of saying you didnt want to stay together. im venting. im not desperate. just tired of this...thing we do.

and then nothing more. i think she was aware of what i was trying to say without saying it. and i think she was purposefully ignoring it, or just completely oblivious. (in retrospect, after just rereading it, its painfully obvious she was ignoring what i was hinting at.) which is fine. even though i was trying to subtly suggesting it, i was more interested in how she would respond. and she did as i expected: nothing. she acted as if i wasnt suggesting we get back togther.

again, which is fine. im not desperate. i dont need her. it would just be nice for her to realize hey, i really do want to be with him and no one else, and finish what i started. it would just be nice for her to snap out of whatever david infected her with, whatever being 21 poisoned her with, and whatever her other attractive female friends encouraged her to be.

........and after a 54 minute phone call with michael, i now feel better. purged off all this irrationality, and its now time to eat some steak, play some halo, and look over my stats homework.