09.06.06 - 10:03 am

some text message tidbits from sarah a few weeks ago during my attempt to reconnect with her. needless to say, it didnt go over well. i called her malicious due to her consistant lying to me. especially in regards to scenarios where i offer to watch ashton for the night, she says no, she wants to have him for the night (she misses him, or never gets to see him) but then finds something she wants to do more and calls me back and just expects that im still sitting around waiting for something to do. she then tries to pawn ashton back on me. she will claim its for work related reasons or that she has a doctors appointment early the next day, but in all reality, its so she can go out and party. it takes her awhile to admit this, if she even does at all. but i disagree with her methods, it would just be so less ugly of her if she was just honest: hey, i want to go see some friends, will you take ashton afterall? its so much more mature than trying to lie to me about it, and try to rationalize why i should take ashton now instead of her (you wouldnt have to drive as much, you offered to watch him originally anyways....) shes just a silly girl. and this is what she had to say following said example:

(after calling her malicious)

"i guess youd have reason to think that. but trust me, my entire personality and life and everything has been 20 times better now that you arent involved in my life.

nobody else i know would say that about me.

i just...sometimes cant stand you.

and i dont want you to know what goes on in my life.

it doesnt make me malicious though. just..not wanting to really give you my life, is all. you have no right or reason to pass a judgement on to me. you have no idea how i am anymore.

if i actually cared about you jordan, if i actually cared what you thought and if you didnt make me so fucking angry all the time....id be a completely different person. but i havent and will not have the respect and love i have for you i have for all of my close friends. you know nothing. at all. and it makes me sick.

how can one person think theyre right about every. single. thing. you need to talk to me about all this shit. you are such a dick sometimes. you know it and you do it on purpose and its really irritatting and immature.

i dont understand you then. its like you critisizing my personality any way you can is you subconsiously tryng to find a way to help yourself get over me. then you text me like you did the other day when you were trying to hint you wanted to start something again.

and i think that too, i dont want to tell you that because i know its just confusing. yeah my feelings have shifted for you dramatically, but i know a lot of it has to do with the fact that i just gave up. emotionaly. and didnt quite make up my mind to be that full time parent. i have days where i just cry about the fact that we didnt work out. being a single mom isnt easy. and we both understand each others situation more than id like to admit sometimes because i feel guilty. that im letting myself down. ashton down. then i look at my parents and know that id rather give up now to avoid divorce further on.

weve hurt each other so many times. were just not good together. we bring out the worst in each other. it sucks.

you arent weak. its just what youre attracted to. something in your personality clicks with the ones who hurt you. your motive for years has been to fix. the more chaos, the more for you to want to fix.

theres too much about your personality that makes me angry. frustrated. you say things maybe without even noticing how they come out. sometimes you dont even talk just how you act i can read right through it. and i feel guilty. even when i shouldnt. its like you have this sneaky little tick you plant in my head by a look or a thought."

i neglected to add the things i said, because, in order to save space on my phone, i had to delete my messages. so i was angry and bitter during this conversation, and confused at how i annoy her. because to the best of my knowlegde when we got back together for our final time in december there were no fights. no annoyances. i did my best to be everything she wanted, and i was successful. except then she turned 21 and it all went downhill from there. oh, and then there was the whole part about me just being a filler until she didnt need me anymore. that was nice.

and so the coping continues.