01.06.07 - 9:57 pm

well, its been a year. the longest ive ever gone without trying to make things work with her.

between us things have never improved. im still incapable of making her happy. my apartment smells too much like incense. the carpet is too dirty. the complex is too trashy. ashtons spongebob shoes are not stylish enough. i forget things sarah tells me. i dont shave enough. i dont feed ashton nutritious enough lunches. im irritating. im annoying. i laugh at her when i shouldnt. i wake up ashton when i should let him sleep. its an excessive list of complaints that are continuous and easily disregarded. i know im doing the best i can. i know i do a great job with ashton. i know shes just eternally bitter with me....but i dont know why.

i ate dinner with her, ashton and her roommate the other night. it was tolerable until they started going through pictures on a camera. then a flurry of photographs and memories of hot guys, and laughter at the evenings with them.

shell be nice to talk to on the phone for several days in a row. even tempered. jovial. then ill say or do something thats completely irritating to her, and our encounters will be brief. her disdain almost electric in the air.

and lately, ive allowed myself to be inferior to her. i pick up ashton when she wants. i drop him off when she wants. i drive when and where she wants. i keep my mouth shut and let her make the decisions. its easier. i dont have to deal with her hanging up on me. i dont have to deal with her arguing with me or being angry with me. but it still doesnt feel right.

its not equal. im just a burden until i close the door behind myself.

and, as i lay asleep, its still so very easy to hurt myself. to think of scenarios that sting.

but after a year, its also pretty effortless to disregard her...and find other things to be equally concerned about.