06.06.07 - 1:54 am

i think there always will be a scale. an inner catalogue of fancies and interests, missed chances and secret crushes. there have been a select handful of girls who have stood out, continued to stay in my thoughts even well after i burned my metaphoric bridges to them. some get into long term relationships, some disappear seemingly forever, some only gain momentum with their potential, some hate my guts, and some just end it and get married.

at first id say i treated brianne with exceptional care. i found myself hopelessly attracted to her and her company. the first girl to so intensely stir my interest, following a tumultuous ending with andi. there was an excruciatingly gradual increase in mutual affection. a fascinating trip to elgin. but then it changed suddenly. something about her dialogue or my tolerance for it soon objectified her. i became selfish. degrading. greedy. disgusting. and then she told me to lose her number. if i remember correctly the breaking point came well after we stopped seeing each other when she, at the age of 23, wanted someone to get married to, and i could not understand her desire to be cemented down with so many more people left in her life to meet.

she was an incredible girl from a completely different part of the world than myself. i saved some pictures of her, in hopes years from now ill remember just how careless i was in my youth.