06.07.07 - 2:46 pm

those damn clouds. swaths of boiling hues of grey, smeared with a pastel blue blush. they darken, swelling with water and then spill over; tearing each other apart as they bleed.

sarah took ashton today. i drove to monmouth on my way to get him, after she begrudgingly agreed to meet me in rickreal. she drove from lincoln city to newberg, some 65 miles, to get ashton a haircut from her best friend. and, then not wanting to drive anymore than she had to, decided i should drive to mcminville for ashton. i tried to stand my ground, and explain that her excessive driving should not mean that i need to drive any farther than i have to, any more than what we usually agree on. she could have just as easily gotten ashton a haircut in lincoln city, and spared herself the two hour drive, and the two hour drive for me. but she didnt see it that way. she saw my refusal to drive an additional 25 minutes as me competing with her. among other things:

"i just dont understand you. youre so cruel. so accusing. you get so mad when i ask you a favor but youre so blunt headed and competitive you wont drive to mcminville to pick up ashton. and im the heartless one. its never been a competition. only for you. its like you want to make me regret choosing to not be with you after all the bullshit. thats not what its about. and in reality the final blow was because of you. the entire situation. and im over it. im done with you subconsciously or consciously hating me for reasons other than ashton or driving. its fucked up. and annoying. and from now on you can get whatever you want because all you like to do is fucking argue. ill meet you in poop hole rickreal you spoiled little brat. im being way too nice but im done. dont talk to me again unless its nice."

so i began my drive to rickreal when she said she was getting done earlier than expected, then she changed her mind. she didnt want to drive any further south. i needed to come to her, and if i didnt, i wouldnt see ashton until next friday. but with further discussion she then decided against it, even when i told her i was already in monmouth and on my way to mcminville. she said she was just going to go to the beach.
pleading with her, i tried to say id pick him up and take him til sunday morning. again she refused. she demanded she have this weekend, so that i would for sure have him next weekend. when i asked if this was because she had plans next weekend, she denied this and said she was just sticking to our schedule. which is why she also would not let me have ashton thursday through sunday this week, even though she was leaving sunday until friday with ashton to disneyland. i dont understand it. in the last month ive met her in tualatin, mcminville, grand rhonde, newberg and woodburn. i drove beyond the usual routes just as much as i did to rickreal. so she hung up on me, said her grandmother, seated next to her, made her because she was not comfortable with sarah driving while being upset on the phone. i just had to refrain from calling her any sort of derogatory insults, and turn around and head back to corvallis. empty handed. defeated. once again, the asshole prick of a father.

so she wins. again. as per usual. i cant do anything to change it or help my situation. if i stand my ground with her im being competitive, heartless and out to hurt her. if i let her do what she wants, im an on call traveling babysitter.

so basically what that means is ill see ashton friday, ill graduate sunday, and she wont get him back until i decide.

what a rambling bunch of bullshit. oh well, at least im not married.