06.21.07 - 1:00 am

anyone can tell you there�s no more road to ride
everyone will tell you there�s no place to hide
there�s no laws or rules to enchain your life
but the ones who didn�t make it,
the ones who couldn�t take it,
so glad they made it out alive
everyone loves the fun
everyone comes by

in the wind I crunch, I want to die

they can give me pills
or let me drink my fill
the heart wants to explode
far away where nobody knows

do you believe she said that?
do you believe she said that?

I said I hate myself and I want to die.

half of it is innocent
the other half is wise
the whole damn thing makes no sense
I wish I could tell you a lie
hey, come here
let me whisper in your ear

I hate myself and I want to die.

do you believe she said that?
can you believe she repeated that?
I said, I hate me myself and I
said I hate myself and I want to die

its no fun seeing pictures of whats yours with someone else. its no fun to see what you should be seeing, what you should be enjoying. but even though you see, and you hate, and you toil with jealousy....its important to step away. to see all three parts and to smile. to smile even though, youd rather glare. because really, it doesnt matter how he gets it, whats important is that he enjoys. its so very precious that he enjoys his early childhood to the fullest he is able, and to be appreciative that he is able to do so. especially if it is not you who is able to provide it. if someone else can...so be it. let them. when its your turn, theres no need to measure up or out do. you simply do. so that many years from now i am not consumed with competition, but satisfaction. i did my best. i contributed as much as i was able, and he relished in what he was given.

its hard, ill admit. i fight it. i want to fight it. i try so hard to want it.

but its all so intolerable.

just as i drive home late at night, to an empty two bedroom apartment. with no texts to answer. no one to call. no one to slide next to. or to prepare breakfast for. no one to say, "how was your shower?" i laugh when i think of this, how silly the want is. is it a hole or a void? or is it just something i can pave over, and do without?

inspite of this, i still have all of them. that wonderful collection of individuals. thank god for oceanic flight 815.