11.13.10 - 9:24 am

today my house is empty and silent. the boy is with his mother in salem. or is supposed to be.

we went to omsi the other day. i had a marvelous time with him. his hand continually found mine and tugged it toward things he hoped to impress me with. puzzles he could solve, or thought he could. activities that put him at the center of attention. nevermind the fossils. standing in front of a green wall and then on a television making faces while weather patterns pass behind him.

getting ready to leave, he asked if he could stay and do a specific exhibit one last time. his head cocked slightly, a wide grin slowly developing. after i agreed he jumped off smiling with a "thanks dad" like something from a heartwarming family show.

the exhibit that had claimed his interest was a space of flooring filled with a half a dozen children. as they moved about, individual colored circles would follow their movement. when they approached other children, their specific circles would change color or shape, representing how interaction with others changes our...identity. i think.

when its quiet at home like this i miss his incessant calls for me; either to show me something hes doing or wants or to tell me something hes playing or thinking about.

its like a form of echolocation. he says "dad?" and waits for my response of "what?". if i dont respond in a few seconds, his calls become louder or he modifies the request to a concerned "daddy?!" until he finds my location or succeeds in displaying for me his desires.
by the by the end of the day my whats get increasingly more terse.

i realize, sitting alone at home, that hes interested in showing or telling me, specifically me, the things of interest to him. he wants me to be impressed, not any of the other wandering parental drones at omsi. their show of approval isnt at all as important to him as what expressions or acknowledgment i show in response. this may sound like an obvious realization to anyone else, but in the silence and loneliness without him, i realize how much of him i take for granted. how good it feels, how almost narcissistic it is, to have someone constantly needing your input as a baseline to their emotional value. i have established myself as a tangible machine capable of validating or destroying ashtons interests and desires. thats a tremendous amount of power to have over another human being.

as a child, a fleeting wish of mine was to have the power of mind control. to make people do as i wanted.

i have this power. right now. and it feels so uniquely wonderful to be this important and valued. vastly different in scope to the adoration and desire to a romantic partner. i understand how effortless it would be to use this power to shape ones child into who you want them to be, instead of guiding them to be the type of person they want to be.

finding appreciation, not taking for granted such minor annoyances as ashtons constant calls for me is grasped only in the silent rooms of my empty house. i should work on this.