05.13.11 - 8:41 am

she immediately squinted her eyes when she saw it. scrunched up her face as she approached, grabbing the small cup and shaking her head slightly in disbelief.

"this doesnt smell right."

uhhhhh. come again?

"it smells....like chemicals."

im sorry, my urine, um, smells like chemicals?

she set the sample back down and left the restroom. i found myself peering closer at the deep yellow liquid contained in sterile plastic. an older short woman waddled past me to the cup, took it in her hands and abruptly to her nose, like a freshly picked flower.

"yeah, chemically. that smells like chemicals. were going to need another sample."

but thats all i got! ugh. ok. give me a cup of water, lets try this again.

she handed me a warm cup of water. i almost returned it to her in protest, "um excuse me but this water isnt cold." but then i didnt want to seem like a diva in a urine analysis clinic so, i consumed it and waited.

thirty minutes dragged on for hours, dozens of people magazines scattered at my feet. i felt the softest pressure on my bladder and decided to attempt another cup. well, maybe a few spoonfuls.

"we cant use this. theres not even enough for a sample. it still smells. youre going to have to do it again."

another warm cup of water set in my hands. "um, i dont know who you people think youre dealing with, but when i ask for water, i get it cold. and there needs to be a crushed mint leaf in it. idontdrinkmycoldwaterwithoutmintleaf, okaaaay?"

"we can give it to you cold, but youll just have to wait longer. the warmer the water the faster it processes through your system...."

ok. fine. you win. back to my people magazines. god, not charlie sheen again. there was only so much kate middleton i could handle.

i walked back into my sterilized lair. blue liquid poured into the toilet. belongings locked in cabinet. sink faucet handles removed. plastic cup gripped tightly in my hands.

right to the rim. frothing with indignation. the hot cloudy fluid was perfect she said. much better looking. so she put a drop into this little device she held and watched as blue colored bars began to develop inside individual white squares.

"come on....come onnnnnn...." she cooed at the last little white square, struggling to complete its blue bar.

"you have THC in your system...see that last faded blue bar, that means you have traces of THC in your urine."

cue cartoon character face shake. say what?! bitch please, i dont smoke weed. i immediately thought back to my client, bales of weed all over his broken glass table while i worked. still smelling of the plant an hour after leaving.

"so how much weed do i have to be exposed to...to have this show up?"

"you couldnt just be at a party or in a car with someone, it would have to be direct consumption...."

so weird. but she passed me. me and my chemicl smelling, thc filled urine.

reporting for duty, june 1st.