11.9.01 -

i need more desire to do the things i am obligated to do. when people stare at you for long periods of time, what do you do? i hope deep down inside, shes in a self loathing so thick that the mere action of breathing is painful. people tell me to move on, let it go. im trying to decide if knowing all or knowing less will allow that.

"there are doors i have yet to unlock. windows i have yet to open. going forward may not be the answer. maybe i should go back."

one year ago, most likely on this day, well this night, i bet she was. i need constant pacification. why am i selectively apathetic? and why are drugs, sex, alcohol the most acceptable forms of recreation? every man whose laid a finger on her out of lust - and gotten somewhere - i wish vile things of them. maybe if i had met lindsay earlier....maybe she would be my shannon ward.