12.8.01 - 3:01am

i returned from julias tonight unhappy. i was really enjoying myself up until, while examing some condoms on her desk i was told:

"im having sex with corey. thats three guys ive devirginized..."

i could feel my body and face cringe. i left her dorm room, went downstairs via elevator, sat in a chair in the lobby and thought. i think the main interest of this thought book is to get me to think and analyze my thoughts so that im not hurt anymore.

"why is everyone having sex?"

"why arent i?"

those questions may look related. but theyre not. the "why arent i" isnt why is everyone BUT me. its just simply, why arent i? what are my reasons for not having sex with just anyone?

i believe the following things:

girls dont find me attractive

girls do find me attractive (but not the girls i like)

im too selective

im not motivated

does it really matter?

im sure theres more but the main points have been said. i thinkn. the ones i most concern myself with are im not motivated and girls find me attractive but not the girls i like.

why do i hang on so hard to girls? why are they so hard to let go? why is it that out of all the girls ive met none care about me on a mental/emotional level and why dont i care about any girl back?

julia toler. why do i continue to have feelings for such a person when the time weve had has come and gone? shes moved on. three times already. andi moved on countless times. sabrina has too. if you need to count her. and yet, not only am i still at one sexual partner, but it disgusts me to imagine sex with someone more and more every day. especially today. and i keep losing respect for those that have sex. part of it goes back to catcher in the rye. i want everyone to be behind me. let me make the mistakes so you dont have to. let me acquire the sins so that you all may live safe, free and happy. but it gets old. i get tired of feeling like shit. i get tired of being constantly sad and hurt by people. in arizona i wasnt hurt. i was me. i was sooooo happy and i didnt even know it until i was gone. and here! here is where i was supposed to be happy. and am i? is it the same thing as when i was in arizona? if i left here for there, would i be like damn, i wish i was back in oregon? would it be worth it?

where am i going with all this pain? sometimes i feel good and happy. but i wonder, am i not doing something i should be doing hence the pain? do i bring this on myself?

today, i just realized it, but captain marko ramius made the analogy that fishing is the best type of war. its a war with no battles. a war with just casualties. i think life is like that. there really are no battles between fellow people. just the casualties of emotion left from interaction.

im wondering if this war is almost over.

do i have great success and joy waiting for me? is this just a test, a long hard road to a grand finish line? or do i need to start to change in order to be happy?

or do i just need to get laid?

fuck girls i say. and not literally. ok?