02.16.02 - 2:45am

im siting against my bed. a beautiful sleeping woman is nestled in my sheets. i have only the soft glow of my computer screen all the way against the opposite wall of my room providing all my illumination, allowing me to handwrite this entry.

i think one day soon, i want to write biographies on my friends. dont let me forget.

do i sometimes say the wrong things? right now, its wet and cold outside, and bri is in deep thought. im pretty sure its about john. we were discussing her desires for sex, and i said something that she didnt hear, and didnt want her to hear after i thought about it. but she still prodded. so i repeated and said, why dont you find someone to have sex with, emphasizing the word someone. there was a pause, she said something i cant remember, and i said, and i think you know who i mean. then, the downcast eyes, the soft quiet voice. i asked her whats wrong full knowing something was, but every time she said nothing. i learned enough from andi that when a girl looks like that, and says shes fine, its painfully obvious shes not. it saddens me that she chooses not to talk to me. im trying to figure out why. maybe its not right that i say so much. or speak my mind so freely with her. maybe i should be more reseverd and not share myself so....easily. but do i even do that? do i say what son my mind or what people want to hear? do some people see me as genuine? i know andi would say otherwise. shes convinced i portray different people for different people.

its been almost two months now and she hasnt called. im not worried just....well, i miss her. i miss her trying to contact me in the face of hopelessness. i miss her dedication. her lips. her skin. her eyes in the sunset. her lips she hates and her different smiles. and sometimes i find myself confused. i find myself thinking andi is the girl im running my fingers over, but then brianne will move slightly and i know its not her. for the most part i think shes gone. most likely seeing someone. happy. laughing. enjoying their company and touch just as i enjoy briannes.

brian gjurgevich. oh how i love that guy. i wish i could do more to show how much i appreciate him. while chad is becoming a very good friend of mine, i still miss brian. i miss the days where i was myself around him. and completely comfortable and didnt feel so sedated and restrained.

memories are such wonderful things. while im finally starting to see things differently and i myself am evolving on the things i write about here, i would gladly give it up for a redo of the four years i spent at a highschool. everyones growing up. distancing each other and focusing more on the opposite sex. i need to find brian a girl. thats my mission as a friend. its hard though. hes hilarious, caring, good looking and more importantly, a good guy. no girls ive found are decent enough. and im just not meeting any girls.

tonight bri asked me what i was thinking about. at the time she asked me i wasnt thinking much of anything, merely listening to the silence of thought in my head. but then i got the image of a thick green forest. and flying so close over the tree tops i could run my fingers over the tops of the trees. it was a nice thought at the time and the serenity was something i need to come back to. its too wonderful to just stash away alllong with the other daily thoughts.

suddenly my hand hurts. im going to try to lay down with brianne now. i hope.....i forgot what i hope. but ill hope this: right now, i hope my grand parents suddenly smile and feel a rush of warmth and happiness. because i love them so very much.